Carnal Knowledge 101
by goldenmeadow
Summary: Is there nothing haughty naughty Edward can't do? Savant, esthete, gourmand, critic. Ever patient, ever hard, now he's hands-on. Pedanticward, in exquisite, carnal, uncut, comic detail, tutors his Bella-love in the one subject he never studied. M/AU/BxE
1. Touch

Cheers to my beta-in-a-pinch, **Viola Cornuta. **This one's for you, bebe.

This story comes from some of my entries for the **Twilight 25 Challenge**. You can view them all as my completed series, The Men of Twilight.

Disclaimer: I only own this hilarity.

~~Okay, ladies, gents. We'd like to proudly introduce Pedanticward, affectionately known as Peddie, and Sassbella~~

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**Touch**

"Holy crow, Edward, what the fuck is _that?" _Bella jumped off the bed, almost tripping over a sports bra left in the middle of her floor in her haste to flick on the overhead light.

_Not exactly the reaction I'm going for, Bella._

"Um, my cock?" I had just disrobed, laying my clothes neatly on the rocking chair -- _my familiar companion_ -- in the corner of her bedroom. After months of erogenous entreaties, near innocent touches, chaste kisses that did nothing to dampen our passion, I had finally caved to Bella. I was excruciatingly bored with seeing to myself on a nightly basis…fantasies only got me so far, and it was difficult to aptly visualize Bella's body since it was always clothed in lumpy sweaters, misshapen woobie jeans, and a cotton full-coverage bra even when we snuggled down for the night. Much to my frustration, Bella had yet to agree to go shopping with bubbly fashionista Alice.

I was unable to resist any longer when I knew there was a warm, aroused, human Bella begging me to make love to her.

Now I stood, feet planted apart, naked, while Bella's eyes widened, and she circled around me, faintly brushing my cold impenetrable skin with just the tips of her pale tiny fragile trembling hands.

"Well, yeah….but what's with the flappy thing there?" Bella blushed her telltale pink but did not avert her chocolate brown gaze.

Pinching my uncircumcised flesh between my thumb and index finger, I pulled it out, stretching the remaining skin around my erect member so that every ridge was a visible undulation, and the long vein that ran down the central underside of my shaft was a venom-filled road from root to canopy. "_Foreskin_, my love," I rolled the flat of my palm across my head and then down the side of my dick while I smoothed the tubal skin up over my tip with my other hand. The firmer I became, the less elasticity there was, and my foreskin slowly pulled back. Incredibly, though I was pale as snow all over, my cock was rapidly turning a shade of lavender gray, much more saturated in hue at my tumescent head and the most velvet skin just beneath the lip. Hidden crepe-like flesh that rarely saw the light of day.

Her heart sped as she watched my ministrations, and I could smell her arousal from where I stood. _Breathe Bella!_

Grasping myself in both hands, twisting them up and down my cock in counterpoint spirals, I continued, "This, Bella, is what we call a Cavalier."

She dropped her well-worn copy of _Wuthering _Heights to the floor with a clatter and stepped close again, her doe-like orbs filled with wonder, "As opposed to?"

"A Roundhead, of course," I smirked as she whispered, "_Of course._"

"Haven't you ever seen one before?" I tilted my head to the side and asked, all the while fisting myself more vigorously. If we didn't get this show on the road pretty damn quickly I was going to climax all over her bedroom floor, not even having the pleasure of touching her!

"Jiminy cricket, no! You know Banner skimmed over the sex-ed section of Biology. But you are a bit Hulk-ish," she licked her plush pink lips and grinned, finally fucking touching me; one hand to my torso, sneaking around my nipples and the other splayed across my ass, bringing me against her so my cock twitched against the permeable skin of her belly.

_The Incredible Hulk? Great, now she was calling me a freak, how the fuck did she come up with that? _I wondered at the weird inner-workings of her head that were a totally silent mind-fuck to me.

"Huh?" I questioned.

"Duh, Edward…Mr. Banner…Bruce Banner…The Incredible Hulk?" She giggled placatingly, and the long auburn swags of her strawberry scented hair tickled my chin and against my throat.

_Oh to hell with it, I don't care what she calls me as long as she keeps licking my paps with that rough kitten tongue of hers!_

With one hand cupping both her breasts together, I watched in fascination as the pert nipples almost met, _almost_ touched each other. My teeth safely sheathed under my sculpted icy lips, I sucked first one and then the other into the cold igloo of my mouth. And smiled against her tits when she was able to respirate enough to exhale a hot, "_Uhnngh," _across my chest, which she had wet with her saliva.

Lowering a hand to her midnight blue lace boyshorts, I felt the dripping of moisture there. She was pooling in her panties! I was emboldened enough to swipe my fingers beneath the elastic to fondle her wet folds before running up to circle her bundle of nerves.

On an indrawn breath, Bella weakly murmured, "_Mmmm._ I just mean that you're _big._ Seriously well-endowed, right? And it's kind of wild that your-" she flapped those frail hands about, and I wanted to demand that she put them back to their rightful task.

"Penis?" I supplied, _helpfully of course_.

"That your _penis_ is malleable when the rest of your body is pretty much…"

"Obdurate."

Nodding her head and biting her lower lip, "Obdurate, right."

"Baby Bella, my love, it has us all stumped, even Carlisle," I lifted one eyebrow and bestowed my famous crooked half-smile upon her.

"Well, _it's_ certainly not stumpy! You'd have made a fine specimen in the sex-ed class, not that I'd want Lauren and Jessica drooling over this! I just can't wrap my head around the extra skin! Does it hurt? Can I move it?" _Christ!_ _Yes, Bella, yes! Touch it, do what you want with my cock, just fucking touch it already!_

She fingered it gently, and there was something, _definitely something_, I wanted Bella to wrap her mouth around.

Keenly watching her teeny fists engulfing my member, pulling the almost completely taut wrapping up as far as it would now reach, which wasn't very high at all anymore, Bella fucking giggled like she was simply watching some harebrained chick flick at a slumber party instead of giving me my first ever handjob!

Gently tearing her fingers away from their grip on me, I started pacing, damn near stomping…fraught with sexual excitement and galled at her laughter. Rolling my eyes, grasping at my messy bronze locks, pinching the bridge of my nose, clenching my jaw, I wearily sighed.

"Aw, Edward, don't be like that! It's just…_who knew?_ Vampires can be uncircumcised?"

"Given the times, my love, yes, of course we can. In fact, Emmett, Jasper, Carlisle…we all are-"

Frantically blushing, Bella shook her head, "Ewww, just gross. I don't need to know about _that_!"

"Can we please just stop talking about my Cavalier then, love?" I was bobbing in the air, desperate for her touch, and I knew she wanted me too. I could smell her arousal as she rubbed her creamy thighs together, trying to create some sort of friction to relieve herself.

"Come here, Edward," Bella's eyes darkened from milky cocoa to dark passionate cocoa.

Not even a second elapsed before I was pressed up against Bella. I held her to me as her heavily bruised knees threatened to give out, skimmed my nose along her throbbing carotid artery, swung it along her little pointed jaw, and made a beeline for the succulent feast of flesh just below and slightly behind her left ear, silently entreating her to keep breathing.

Something growled. And it wasn't me. Probably Bella's mortal tummy begging for food when all I wanted was for her to beg me to eat her out after I carried her, bridal style, to the bed.

Ever the gentleman, I sought to appease her gurgling stomach before my own insatiable craving, "I could make you something to eat, if you're hungry. Mushroom ravioli? Or I could just jump in Volvo and pick something up? _Perhaps some shroom brownies to move this thing on a bit faster?_

"Um, that wasn't my stomach, Edward, that was me." She blushed crimson red and would have stumbled over her feet to land face first at my crotch had I not been bracing her up against the marble column of my form. _Dammit!_

_Shit! She growled at me? That is so hot. _

"I want you in me now," Bella pronounced, her inner wanton woman unleashed.

Shredding her panties, I sniffed them headily before I hid them amongst my stack of designer clothes…_mine._

Laying Bella on her creaking single bed, thankful Shotgun Charlie was working the night shift, I crawled up her body, lethal and predatory. I caressed her pussy with my long piano player's fingers, circled inside and found that hidden pleasure point, pressed on it until she was spilling, good and wet and greedy.

The fruity scent of ripe strawberries followed on waves as she bashed her head from side to side and thrashed her pelvis around my delighting hand.

My cock clasped in one hand as I spread her thighs with my other, I steadied myself and huskily whispered, "Love, just tell me if this hurts. I Do Not Want To Cause You Pain."

"It's okay_. I'm ready_. You won't hurt me," Bella encouraged me with her words and her hips that swiveled up.

Howling as I entered her heated swollen embrace, I made my way further, inch by long long inch.

With my lips to her ear, I quietly impelled her to breathe and watched as a wall of pain flashed across her face, making me halt just at the beginning of her maidenhead.

While she grew used to my girth, I held still as death above her, my forearms on either side of her head. Once her heart settled into a steadier pace and her face relaxed, I shifted forward again, breeching her virginity with one fell swoop!

Hissing, I knew the full onslaught of love and sex commingling! A juicy torrid purchase held me strictured, and I all but bellowed, "You're so tight, baby!"

"_Umph_, Edward, your shaft is so big, so good, baby," her voice and those utterances nearly sent me over the edge.

Small red droplets of her blood stained the sheets like Rorschach blots. The scent of her sex and her spilled blood made me move with more frenzy, and I gripped her hips and plunged in and out.

_Clair de Lune_ tinkled in the background.

Tolling just the plumpened head of my member into her damp folds, pulling it out so that she could feel my skin ruching against hers, just at her engorged entrance, I asked, "How're you liking my foreskin now?"

"_Unghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!"_ Bella shouted as she draped her slim calves over my hips and dug her heels into my backside, propelling me back into her with more power than I should have used!

'_S'what I thought. _

Racing towards the finish line, I needed Bella to climax with me.

Holding onto the headboard above her face that was emblazoned with the call of desire, I demanded, "Cum with me! Cum NOW, Bella!" as I traced ever-cinching circles over her clit to help her along.

I came in three long spurts as her walls clamped down on me, milking my twitching cock, screaming savage incoherencies! Biting the pillow so a full-on flurry of feathers drifted about us as our bodies lashed and latched onto each other, I shattered the cringing iron headboard into splinters and metallic dust!

When her pounding heart sank into mere traipsing pitter pats, Bella licked my throat and kissed my Adam's apple and shuddered twice more against me, "So good, Edward."

Looking at her through a veil of long lashes, my eyes strobing back from black to melting amber, I deadpanned, "Do you think you can deepthroat, Bella?"

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~Did you enjoy your introduction to CK101? Come early next time, you'll want to be in the front row of the lecture theater~

There's still oodles of time to vote for your faves in the Twilight Twenty-five Challenge, all links on my profile.

PS. Go and read Dead Confederates.

Rie~


	2. Voracious

**Viola Cornuta **is fucking AWESOME!!! Champagne lush, luscious saber tooth tiger (that's her chosen pet name to my puma); foodnetwork lover and coiner of _Pedanticward and Cavward_ who features heavily in this wee fic. Srsly, so much good and bad comes from Vi, *mwah*

Disclaimer: Me and Miss Vi own Pedanticward. SM owns Twi-related stuff.

~~ Do you have your study notes? You asked for it, not sure Bella did... ~~

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**Voracious**

When I'd proposed a picnic in _our_ meadow, I definitely had plans for Bella; it was time to take our carnal relationship to the next, _deeper_, level.

At least she'd closed her eyes on the speedy run to the field, and there wasn't a queasy Bella to contend with as I lowered her gently off my back to the plaid blanket I had set amongst the circular field of flowers, broom and brush.

Before I could even get a word in edgewise, or my member down her throat lengthwise, Bella interrupted my musings...with the loud complaining of her stomach.

Okay, no nauseous Bella, just hungry Bella.

She didn't want to play footsies, she wanted to play _foodie._ Her fucking nuisance of a human appetite was quite possibly the biggest cockblocker of our intimate life. Luckily I'd planned ahead and already displayed on the blanket was a feast of epicurean proportions!

While I piled a plate of fine china with decadent morsels I had prepared myself, I caught wind of Bella mumbling under her breath and asked, with a frown upon my arch eyebrows, "What was that, my love?"

She looked up in surprise and with the shameful expression of a child who'd been caught with her hand in the cookie jar, "Um, I said _Icouldgoferaburger_, Edward."

In my deliciously aroused state, all I heard was _fur burger_. And that shit was HOT! Imagining Bella going down on a woman. Hell, I wanted a fur burger too!

"Edward, why are you doing that gulping, eyes-rolling-into-your-head thing?"

My brain caught up with my fantasies, and I mentally smacked myself. _For a burger_. Damn.

Seriously? A beef burger? "Bella, I'm afraid I don't have any fast food here, just lovingly prepared dishes of the finest freshest ingredients," I smiled through a hint of irritation with what I hoped was loving indulgence.

"Well, what about just a sandwich then?" She looked up at me with her shy wide doe eyes, twirling a lock of her wavy chestnut hair around one of her wee fingers.

_Sandwich._ Mmmm, girl-on-girl, and me. _Leah and Bella and me!_ Yeah, that Leah was foxy. I bet she did it doggie-style too.

_A sandwich_. After I'd busted my granite glutes creating this tasty masterpiece of a repast? _Shit._ Putting on my most pleasant smile I pulled out the wax paper wrapped fluffernutter and watched in disgust as Bella tucked into the peanut butter and marshmallow confection. Until a marbled gooey dollop of PB and M laced her plush peony pink lips, looking for all the world like a soft, sweet, sticky blob of my own ejaculate.

My eyes glazed over for what felt like an erotic eternity as Bella finished her sandwich. My stomach twisted and my balls hitched up when she licked her fingers clean. Only to kill the mood when she opened her mouth, "Pop-?"

It went without saying I had something else in mind for Bella's last course, and I had no doubt it would fill her up nicely, but the woman had to have her Pop Tarts, didn't she? I simply held up an index finger, hid my annoyance with a bland look and dug around the picnic hamper for the silver foil package, probably big enough to house a condom for my rearing-to-go cock-sicle. Tearing into the _faux_ _papillote_ with fierce hungry intent, she plowed through the cold jelly-filled pseudo pastry like Emmett took to a grizzly bear. Like I wanted to grizzle over her lusty body and into her swelteringly wet folds.

A gourmand she was not.

"Dessert course, _ma petite chou?_" I queried, raising one eyebrow and adjusting my grim mouth into a fantastic crooked half-grin.

Lounging back on my elbows, I widened my legs, my erection making a teepee within my lounge pants. Detestable garments, but easy on, easy off.

Bella frowned, and finished chewing her gummy pastry.

_What ever happened to foreplay? Dirty talk? Did she really expect culinary 'afters' instead of a Cullenary sweet end-of-meal course?_

Mood killer.

I sat back up, staring straight ahead, bit the inside of my cheek while I hashed out, "Bella, you don't have to," - _Hell, who was I kidding, of course she did! _- "It's just that we had discussed the possibility of you deep throating."

Wiping her greasy hands on her pretty white peasant skirt so the cotton fabric stained and clung all the more to the pearly thighs I yearned to dive into, Bella crawled to me and reached those sure little hands right into my waistband. Pulling it low over my hips so the elastic snapped onto my unyielding thighs with a resounding _THWACK_, Bella sat back on her heels observing my obvious arousal standing upright from my groin. And fast becoming unbearably twitchy and even harder beneath her appreciative gaze.

Giggling, shattering the lascivious atmosphere and my manhood, _almost_, Bella blew across my erection so that it trembled in her hot breeze, "It's so cute…kind of like a pig-in-a-blanket!"

_Fuck my life._ "I prefer the term _cochon en croute_," I starkly countered.

Anemic Bella needed her protein, peanuts aside, and I wanted to give her an injection of my own thick substance. I mean, there had to be some nutritional merit to venom, right? _Note to self, get Carlisle to test the protein per poison content in our toxic semen._

Called to action, Bella wrapped both her hands around me, hard and tugging with strong gliding up and down motions. At least the grease from the Pop Tart still hiding out in the pleats of her palm provided adequate lube.

"_Oh fuck, Bella. That feels so good,"_ I growled, and my hips rolled up and down with her forceful touch. Flattening her palm, she ran its soft hills over and over and over the head of my cock until the globs of pre-cum made a glossy layer over the top of my purpling member.

Back to stroking up and down, Bella started to lower her mouth.

"_Fuck yes," _I hissed between clenched teeth.

One inch from my dick as it flew in and out of her fists, Bella stopped and looked me in the eye, "Oh my god, Edward, you're such a handful!"

I simply assumed Bella was referring to my sizeable shaft, and not my daunting personality. And I definitely didn't inform her I was such a handful because those hands of hers were just so small against my more-than-impressive length.

Finally she put that luscious plump mouth of hers to better use than talking and eating and opened it over me. The heat inside of her moist cavern was intense to my frigid cold member! Her wet saliva danced down my cock, her tongue tapped all around my head like a blind person's cane on a sidewalk, seeking the best path.

Just as she started bobbing up and down, and I was pushing deeper and deeper into her throat, Bella gagged and sat up, leaving my dick to sway like an abandoned buoy in rough seas.

"You're kind of blinding me with the glare of the sun on your glans, _big boy._ Where're my shades?"

_Jesus fucking Christ, was this a farce?_

I quickly scooted us into another, more screened position; one that would aid my goal to get my cock all the way in her mouth. With Bella on her back, me above her face with my knees on either side of her head, affectively shading her from the bright twinkling rays, I lowered my erection into her open mouth. Adjusting forward to maintain the correct angle, working through quick geometry in my head, I felt we were finally making _headway._

Jutting my pelvis up and down, my cock made its way inexorably in and out of her very sexy mouth, her lips enveloping me, her petite wan hand creeping up between my legs to cup my balls! I shifted down a tad more, having worked out a new parabola, pushing Bella further into the blanket.

Her head snapped back, my shaft was released from her vacuuming caress with a loud _POP_ -- _Bella was a peepee popper!_

Grunting and shaking and still rigid as a plank above her, I glowered at Bella.

Rubbing her swollen lips, she lifted her bum and whined, "I think there's a cocklebur in my ass, Edward!"

_I'd like to put a cock in your ass, love._

Dismounting, I turned her over, and sure enough a thorny little ball was embedded in the juicy flesh of her behind.

Clearly this wasn't going to work, not here.

Making a quick change of plans, I raced Bella from our less-than-romantic picnic to the house. Having neglected to keep her eyes shut, as I was forever requesting because of her predilection for motion sickness, Bella was wobbly and green around the gills when she disembarked.

Green was definitely _not_ her color. Dark blue, _yes._ Green, _no._

I massaged her back and plied her with a bottle of water until she'd recovered; my dick still priapic to the point of pain.

"Okay, Edward, I think I'm ready to try it again," Bella's color was back, a light pink hue lit her high cheeks and a new fire jigged in her earthy eyes.

'_Bout damn time!_

Arranging her on the bed, I instructed, "I think it's better if you lie on your back, you were almost getting it in that position back in the meadow."

Bella unfolded her lovely limbs that were now completely disrobed of her grass and grease stained skirt and camisole, "Like this?"

I shucked off my pajama pants and t-shirt and squinted to take in the lines her form made, figuring equations and quantums and possibilities for how best to get my entire cock into her throat. "Yes," I hissed as I watched her recline flat out, "Now just let your head hang off the edge of the bed."

Bella's eyes widened, then narrowed as she scooted to the end I stood at, turgid dick in hand. With no respect for her elders, Bella scorched, "Holy Crow! Who died and left you in charge?"

Mutely I stroked myself and glared at her.

She whispered, upside down and a tiny bit contrite, "_Right, you did."_

I nodded. And continued, "Now, Bella, _you just don't see yourself clearly._ I mean, your placement has been all wrong. In order for this to work, you must let me guide you," _by my hands to the back of your head!_

I tapped her chin with my forefinger, "Open. And relax your throat."

First frowning at me, Bella complied, forming a wet pink 'O' of her mouth. I slid in. And in. _And in!_

_And Holy Shit. I was IN!_

I knew this would work! _ In my imagination, I fist pumped the air._

Guiding my cock with one hand, my other clenched at my hip so I wouldn't clutch her hair and muzzle her with my erection, I planted my feet more solidly and felt a sheer tizzy of tantalizing slick-ridged-heat riding all over my dick!

Writhing against her mouth, rolling my hips with each meeting of my pelvis to her face, Bella's curls brushing my thighs with the contact, I didn't notice the blood rushing to her face, ruddy with more than exertion and blush.

With another _peepee popper_, Bella pushed me away and sat up slightly, dizzied by all the blood slithering back down into her body.

"What now?" I begged. Christ, I would plead if that's what she needed!

Huffing and puffing and trying to catch her breath, Bella explained in gasps, "I just felt a bit off-kilter down there," she flipped flimsy hands towards my achingly hard member, "And…_that flappy thing!"_

Fully disconcerted, I floundered, "What?"

She simply shook her head and pointed to my dick.

_Flappy thing? What the fuck? Oh. Jesus._

"I thought we already covered this, Bella. _Foreskin._ Let's review, shall we?" Again, I pulled the durable yet elastic skin that formed a velveteen stole around my cock, "This is a Cavalier, love. You best get used to it."

"_Whatever."_

Bella had the audacity to roll her eyes at my frighteningly firm fuck-wand, "Your _foreskin_ keeps getting caught in my Invisalign!"

"_Darling_," I instructed through gritted teeth, "You know you're supposed to take that out when you eat," _Not to mention when you suck dick._

Making haste, Bella tossed the blasted mouth-dam into its case before plunking back down.

Pinching the bridge of my nose, I sat on the bed and groan-growled.

She clambered to me and planted perfect smooth kisses upon my back. Her arms enveloped me from behind, and peering over my shoulder she cajoled, "I think I'm going to call it Rumpelstiltskin_."_

Irrationally, I smiled. Just a bit. Turning to the side, I captured her lips in a searing kiss and licked over her mouth, "I don't spin gold, love, I _spill_ it."

_Maybe I just needed to be harder. Wait. Was that even possible?_

Running my nose up and down the thumping arteries in her neck and along her pale-skinned jaw, I nuzzled the tenuous tendon right behind her nautilus earand breathed, "Ready to give it the old college try?"

Hell yes she was. She settled right back into place, earning an ear-to-ear grin and a wink from me.

Slurped me into her mouth and went to work, reinvigorated and getting down to the task at hand!

Voraciously, she sucked me in and out, letting me fuck her mouth. Her teeth grazed a bit too starvingly and I warned between chopping breaths, "Careful, Bella. I'm not serving up one of those Little Debbie Snack Cakes you're so fond of…" –_I wish she'd lay off the sweets, Bella was beginning to pack a few pounds on her arse, distorting the girlish mortal figure I'd fallen in love with. _

Setting a more sedate pace, still licking me down into her elongated throat, she hummed against my glans.

_Fuck yes and more more more, please!_

I yanked on my own silky bronze hair with one hand and reached low to grab the back of Bella's head with the other. Fisting her tresses and bringing myself in and out of the puff pastry of her pestling lips.

The mortar of her teeth grinding against me again had me pulling out completely, before cum cascaded out of me, "It's not one of Charlie's fried fish platters, Bella," I shook and stood with my knees hitting the mattress just as my cock had hit the back of her throat and beyond, "Take your time, love. _Savor it_."

"Well, it certainly doesn't taste like honey, Edward… and it is a bit fishy…," Bella proclaimed to my surprise, but she slowly, succulently, took all of me back in.

My dick being swallowed down her throat, wrapped in the fine casing of her lips, was the most delicious sight! But her fucking lashing sweaty strands kept interrupting my vision. Leaning over, I rummaged through her satchel for a hair tie to get that mess away from her working lips. Making a quick bun, I bound her locks and started to unleash my cool whipped cream right down her neck!

Gulping furiously, Bella's eyes teared up, and my cum just kept on a'coming as my body rattled with release and my voice winded and whirred like a moaning creaky clockwork!

Replete, I slid from Bella's beautifully satisfying mouth, and she immediately reached for the water bottle on the nightstand. Swishing around the tepid liquid like it was Listerine, Bella gargled and I felt insulted. _Was my venom not sweet and tasty? Hmmm._

Swallowing her mouthwash swill and clearing her throat, Bella came up to her knees and prodded me in the chest, "Fuck, Edward! Next time warn a girl before you belt your _bootang_ into her!"

Chagrined, I looked to my bare feet, "Sorry, Bella! I just thought it tasted good…"

"Well, it is sort of yummy; in the first stage when it's all creamy, but when you release it all in, _how many was that anyway, like five long spurts?" _

_"_I don't know precisely, Bella, but it was definitely more than three…"

"-- _Yeah,_ _five long long squirts like that_, the texture gets a bit pulpy, like unstrained orange juice. And, honestly it's a bit of a mouthful."

I nodded in agreement, that made perfect sense, "Okay, yes. I needed to know that, thank you, my love." I ceded….for a change. "So next time…?"

"Next time GIVE ME A WARNING before you go all Orange Julius down my throat," she followed up her edict with a hushed, _ "Duh."_

Shushing her with my mouth, I stole into that inferno-like cistern with my cool tongue, lapping hers and tasting the last teasers of my cum that had coated her. It didn't taste half bad to me -- _I didn't see what all the fuss is about._

Our tongues battled for dominance! _My kiss, mine, mine, mine. I knew I'd win, Alice had told me, and you just never bet against Alice._

Pinning her spirited tongue to the floor of her mouth I bade it to remain still with the slightest bit of withheld pressure. I mean, that insatiable organ of hers just got in the way of my sweeping, sucking, licking and touching!

I realized too late the error of my ways, having effectively silenced Bella when I really wanted to hear her scream my name in the throes of ecstasy.

I unloosed her swollen bright lips to demand, "Who makes you wet, Bella?"

Suckling the precise creased corner of her mouth, I heard a low, '_Here we go again',_ before she answered with a sigh, "You do, Edward."

Braiding my long tapered fingers into her hair and forcing her eyes to mine, her mouth a hairsbreadth away, I implored again, "Scream my name, Bella. I can't hear you!"

Another mumble across my lips, _"Deaf much?" _

_Dammit!_ This was not going according to plan. Fast becoming incensed and my cock hardening anew, turned on by her feisty refusal to acquiesce, I cupped her corpulent ass and ground into her juncture, right where her scant panties clothed her perfect nether lips, "WHO MAKES YOU WET, BELLA?! Use your outdoor voice! No One Makes You As Wet As I Do, Do They?"

Still glib and unresponsive but for the undeniable swirl of her pussy against my member, I gave it one more shot, jolting against her with each uttered word, "SAY. MY. NAME. SAY IT!!"

With a roll of her eyes and deep inhalation, Bella granted my wish with feigned abandon, "EDWAAARDDDDDD, you do!!!"

_Much better._ I grinned and made fast work of kissing her into wet, hot, torrid oblivion. Reaching down, slipping my well-wrought fingers into her boy shorts, I spread and fingered her folds. Then stared disbelievingly when my hand came up dry as the Sahara Desert.

Not sopping, not at all. Disappointed, I broke free of her mouth and that untameable tongue, "Bella, you're not very wet."

Pulling on my hair with a rough grip, just so and in a manner that made pure venom pound up and down my cock like an electric current, Bella apologized, _sort of_, "Sorry, I know. It's just, I know _some_ people get off on dirty talk alone, but I kinda need some action…?"

"I beg your pardon?" Needless to say, my one eyebrow was raising my hairline and my crooked half smile was a thing of the past.

"Maybe you could…_go down on me?"_ she clarified.

_Right, YES!_ I mentally fist-pumped the air…_again_. _That I could do._

I shredded her Robin's egg blue – _thank God they weren't puce_ – panties from her body. Well, they were old, threadbare and worn, the elastic fluttering out of the waist in some parts and bunched up unattractively in others…they easily parted company with her peach colored, ripe ass.

Bella reclined on the mountainous pillows and opened her crème caramel legs. Enjoying the sight of her, pulsing, pretty and pink, shell upon shell upon cowl and that tiny hooded _bonne bouche_ that would soon expand beneath my mouth and my drumming fingertip, I licked my lips before I licked hers.

Running up and down her slit with the broad flatness of my tongue, I felt her thighs trembling with wantonness against my shoulders. Pursing my mouth, I plucked her outer curves all the way in and thrust my tongue inside her like an arrow aimed for pleasure.

Bella's head tossed back as she moaned, "_Ooooh,"_ and, _"Aaaah,"_ and, _"Whatever you're doing, Edward, don't stop!"_

I stopped.

_Whatever I'm doing?_ No no no. I couldn't have that! Clearly another tutorial was in order.

Shocked, perplexed, her formerly hooded umber eyes turning black with surprise and round as dinner plates, Bella opened her mouth to complain, but I silenced her with a look and a finger, the one that was still dry from earlier.

"You must understand, Bella, about your feminine anatomy. It's really a rite of passage to learn about your own body."

I could have sworn, when she closed her eyes in defeat, she rolled them behind the thinness of her eyelids.

Undaunted, I carried on.

Threading her fingers through mine, I brought our twined hands down to her glistening _mille feuille._ I laid both our palms onto her folds, gently fondling those plush opening drapes, and speaking over Bella's groan I intoned, "Labia Majora."

_She felt so good like this; open, glossy and seasoned as a grape on the vine, bursting with flesh and ready to split._

I chewed my lip while she laved her own, and we moved on to the next lesson. Parting our fingers to use just our index and middle digits, I placed them to either side of her engorged inner folds, using the rough of our fingertips to graze up and down, "Labia Minora."

I let her enjoy the caress, her pelvis moving in time, while I bent to savor her clit that had shouldered its red way out of its cloak.

"More, please," Bella began to whimper.

I smirked into her, and delivered the next example. Knotting one of her fingers between two of mine, we entered the lush flooding recess. "This, my sweetmeat, is your sexy, moist, searing vagina," my breath was coming in gusts and Bella was threatening to quit breathing altogether.

"Oh god, Edward!" Bella clenched her fist into her hair, and then into mine, "Isn't there more?"

_More?_

_Shit!_

I was drawing a blank.

Rising through the haze of erogeny and erudition that had dazzled her, Bella stopped our rubbing and clamped down, hard. "G-spot?"

She unlocked her fingers and brought her own out with a long shuddering sigh. In amazement, I regarded her next move. With those dripping digits glowing up her body and drizzling her own sticky juice in a trail to her mouth, Bella sucked her fingers clean with gusto, like she was downing one of her favored 7-Eleven Slurpees! My breath left in a _whoosh_ of desire and then returned with a befuddled thought -- _did she really think she tasted that much better than me? _

Leaving me to work this mythical puzzle of a g-spot out on my own. I bumbled about blindly –_ it wouldn't hurt if her mind were not such a fucking black hole_ – for that secret tidbit hidden away inside her tight pussy.

And bungled some more.

I could tell Bella wanted to huff as her roasty wetness cooled.

Sweet as could be, as if butter wouldn't melt in her titillating mouth, Bella smiled and said, "Here, let me assist you in finding my _truffle_, dear."

First licking her finger to a flawless sensual tool, she quickly took up one of my own and guided us back inside. Lifting her hips – _I had to appreciate the obtuse angle her arched back created_ – we searched for a moment until…._BINGO!_

Bella's body jumped off the bed, bringing my buried hand with it, gasping hard, "That's…my….G-SPOT!!" She screamed as I kept pressing and pressing and pressing the most sensitive point in her body.

Suddenly so responsive, _receptive_, Bella danced around the bed beneath my touch and my tongue! Two more strokes and she came. Another four and she climaxed again.

I added my mouth and her clit to the mix, gaining myself a severe case of asbestos tongue, which I imagined to be the opposite of frostbite, for lucky number three.

And then I had to stop. Her breath was beating in and out like the _boom boom boom _of a bass drum. She was drenched in sweat and the tantalizing leavings of her orgasms.

I wanted to give her more!

But not with the hair caught in my teeth.

It turned out I was not so keen on the fur burger after all. I wanted it clean, _sans_ condiments, so to speak.

_This was beyond the pale!_ Unsettled, I cleared my throat and cleaned out my teeth with my tongue, "Bella, I must insist you get waxed."

"What?"

"The whole _allotment_, love."

Nodding her head frantically, Bella agreed, "Whatever. Just carry on already!"

With that agreed upon, I went back to happily snacking on her snatch.

"You're so wet, Bella. So so wet for me. That's better, _much better._" I languished her _langue du chats_ with endless kisses, caresses, and nibbles all over and took the time to get to know her g-spot personally…with my pointed, ludicrously long, supernatural tongue.

I liked it when she purred.

I didn't really like it when she used my head, clamped between her thighs, to try to create some sort of friction to ease the ache between her legs.

_Not at all._

I held her hips immobile to the bed because her inner thighs rasped like cricket legs against my ears and they were beginning to annoy the hell out of me!

I mumbled into her, "Bella, you better cease and desist, if you know what side your bread's buttered on."

To my undying awe, she sat straight up, grabbed my ears that were still irritated, sanded as they were by her legs' rubbing, and dragged my face straight back down to her Labias Majora, Minora, Clitoris, Grafenberg Spot and Vagina.

My Bella was finally satiated.

I was not.

I prodded her with my fingertip, trying to awaken her from her not-quite post coital daze.

"Hmmm?"

"I need to be inside you, now, Bella-love."

Rolling from her side to her back again, Bella made ready.

Holding my enormously full, unfulfilled erection, I entered her sheath like a sword to scabbard.

And fuck if my eyes didn't try to cross. I was worried they'd get stuck that way, so I maintained my stare on my cock to watch the way I wound into her.

I stilled once fully sheathed, waiting for her to stretch around me, to _accommodate_ my formidable girth.

Until I needed the abrasion of movement.

Persisting in watching my member sucking in and pulling out of her pussy, I enjoyed the _bain-marie_ of her slippery heat dripping all over me.

Glancing up to see if Bella was enjoying the show too, I noted her eyes were tightly shut, and her mouth pursed around half-curses and inanities that spilled out.

"Look at me, Bella," I requested. Now was not the time for her to close those sumptuous brown orbs. When I was running like a mad beast at the speed of light with her in my arms, _yes._ Now? Not so much.

Her limpid eyes popped open as did her lips around her quiet grumbling, _"Here we fucking go again."_

Seeking to fuck the uncooperativeness out of her, I lunged hard into her and slowly grazed out.

Her eyes rolled back into her head like a glassy ball in a pinball machine and I wondered if she was having a seizure. Did I need to call 911?

Another plunder, another pull all the way out…she wasn't twitching too much, not foaming at the mouth.

Her eyes were still rolling.

"I. Said. Look. At. Me."

_Jesus, what did it take to get her attention?_

"Bella, I will stop unless you fucking look at me."

_Ah yes, that did the trick._

Bella's neck cranked up and her eyes opened wide and her sharp little heels locked into my ass.

"Now," I slid back in – her big browns looked likely to do that spinning trick again – "You will keep your eyes here," I made a V-sign with my middle and index fingers, pointing them from her eyes to mine, indicating that she was to keep her regard on me at all times.

Juices were flowing, eyes were open, hips were meeting and my cock in her pussy had never felt better, wetter, hotter, harder, larger, thicker!

I wanted more. I needed to demonstrate my own aptness as a pupil.

Flipping Bella to her front, plastering the ivory rounds of her shoulders to the duvet, hoisting her mouth-watering posterior up to my hips, I dove in and drove her into the mattress, and the bed skittered across the floor. This well-placed slant made quick work of her g-spot, and I hit it over and over again, speeding up with a fast slamming motion. Flesh slapped, and Bella jumped like a trout at the end of a fishing line!

Straining to fashion the correct words, I crushed out, "You see…Bella…_fuck_…this…mmmmFUCK…iswhyitpays…to concentrate…_ahhh_…in CLASS!"

I couldn't tell if Bella was heeding my cock or my proclamation, so I wanted to drive my point home. One. More. Time.

"What's my grade for g-spot, baby?"

"Fuckin' AAAAAA!" She climaxed, her shrieks of pleasure drowning out…_Clair de Lune._

I followed swiftly, crumpling over her back like, well, a crumpet…I guess. As soon as I came in many more than three long squirts of ropey creamy cum!

Later, I soothed Bella's female anatomy with a cooled washcloth. Once more admiring her flawless _petit four_.

My eyes took on a feverish glint.

_Fuck petit fours, next time I wanted Bella on all-fours, in a different manner. Her ass would be mine. _

Dimming my glimmer, I folded myself around Bella to cool her flushed flesh, "What do you want for dinner, my love. Coq au vin?"

She must have been sleep talking when she mumbled into her pillow, "_More like cock au vain."_

_

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_

~ Third course? Bring your Cliffnotes. And review, please~

I see a few newbies…word to the wise, check out _Dead Confederates._ DCs is dirty, rugged, rusty, ragged, craggy, sexy, hot poetic, funny. Rebelward, Junior and Bubba. _Oh hell yes_. AU. Set in my South Carolina. And let's not forget Miss Sassafras herself, ReBella.

_**Merry Christmas!**_

_**Rie~  
**_


	3. Assthetic

Seriously, **Viola Cornuta**, my ever-fab, ever-googling beta on this rocks mine and Peddie's socks off!

Disclaimer: Come on. Pedanticward is ours. The Twilight stuff is SM's.

~~All hail the return of our favorite _Cog au Vain._ And yes, the chapter is called ASSthetic for a reason~~

* * *

**Assthetic**

There was no need to break out the poultry, nor even my _ruffled grouse_, that night, as Bella was knackered from our cullenary lesson and full to bursting with my five plus streams of _lush, creamy cum_…oh no…wait. _Damn._ I was still a bit nonplussed by her Orange Julius vis-à-vis Edward's jizz comparison. Determined not to let it stand, I sought to guide her through osmosis as she shuffled deeper into a lightly snoring, slightly drooling slumber, "Bella, love, you simply need to lick and dribble instead of gulping during the money shot. _I promise you, it will be tasty rather than overwhelming._"

She hiccoughed and wound her fragile flouncy body closer to mine.

Thoroughly pleased now with the day's events, I looked forward to my next challenge.

Two rounds of rosette-like flesh conquered: her moiré vagina and her softly shredding chenille mouth. _One to go._

All I had managed to get into Bella that evening, besides my cock two more times, was a few bites of Baked Alaska. That thought alone made a cold dome of my shaft…_mmmm, the Denalis. ._ _Tanya. Tanya and Bella and me! A troisieme of texture and tantalizing aroma!_

The following day found me excited when Bella announced, over a breakfast of sunny-side-up eggs, she wanted to go shopping. Planning our excursion, I imagined squiring her to the more exclusive boutiques on high street, Port Angeles. Certainly a stop at _La Silhouette_ lingerie specialists was in order. Running both my hands through my penny strands, I strangled my scalp over images of Bella in her loose, gray-through-over-wash granny panties.

I tried like hell to ignore Bella's pointing, shouting and bouncing up and down when she alerted me to a turn-off five miles out of Port Angeles proper.

_Oh fuck me._

I knew what this was.

And this was _not_ a fashionable little shop catering to Black Am-Ex card carriers such as myself.

_This_ was _one-stop-shopping._

I shivered in distaste.

Bella laughed and asked me, unnecessarily, if I was cold.

Unable to deny her anything, I parked my shiny silver Volvo in the acres of concrete outside the enormous sprawl of Target, the city's latest eyesore.

Sulking, pouting, pinching the bridge of my nose and throwing in a few sighs, I accompanied my love to the automatic doors. _Automatic doors?_ Was it really so difficult to use your own strength to push a door open?

_Ugh._

"So, Edward, I thought we could look at some clothes for you while we're here?"

Firstly, I did not wear prêt-a-porte, _dear Alice forfend_, and secondly, I spluttered in disbelief, eyeing Bella up and down, "What about you?" My voice rose and even cracked with distaste and shock!

Bella stood tall, still only reaching the middle of my torso in her beaten up Converse, "I hate to tell you, but this is what all the _kids_ are wearing nowadays, Edward."

I didn't know what to think!

She'd looked perfectly acceptable, downright delectable in fact, at the meadow. Ladylike and sensual in her little wispy skirt and blouse. But now she had on ratty jeans, a t-shirt, and that bane of twenty-first century existence, _I shuddered_, a hoodie!

Looking around at the peasant-like throng, I noted I did stand out a bit like a sore thumb. _And God knew my thumb, not to mention my entire hand, was chafed after all the jerking off it did while my human Bella slept so peacefully. _Dream-addled Bella sleep talking had interrupted my masturbating the other night, "No, Edward, NO!" I'd anticipated the rest of her declaration to be forthcoming, _"Don't leave me."_ But it wasn't. _How odd._

Twisting the screw, she continued in a new sassy tone, "You kinda' dress like an old man?"

Mutely, I glared at Bella.

Until she groused, "Oh right. You _are_ really old, aren't you?"

I rewarded her with a half-tilt of a smile and a crook of my head.

She softened the blow with a sweet full kiss and took me in hand to the Men's Apparel section. Again I quivered with revulsion that I'd darkened the doorstep of a store with an actual open-plan set up. From a huge pile of shirts, Bella lifted one and held it against my chest, "Turtleneck, Edward?"

The thing was dark chocolate brown, not a bad choice per se, but I could smell the synthetic fibers, and the fumes made me entirely too nauseous. Queasiness shuffled aside when I noticed Bella was not actually looking at the top but at my crotch, now lengthening to a nice rigid _extra large_ size with her perusal.

_Oh my!_ Bella was referring to my Cavalier!

I grinned my wicked insouciant half-crooked-smile, "You like my turtleneck, Bella-love?"

"Well, I don't really know any different, darling. But I must say that a cowl neck is much more interesting, than…say, a _button down._" I had to bite my lip until it was mangled nearly to shantung at her utterance.

Needless to say, Bella's carnalogy was _inspiring_. My eyes were dark as jet and hooded as I smirked _and_ dazzled, _highly_ aroused, "Actually, _love,_ if we're going to discuss my Cav, I'd prefer terms a bit less off-the-rack such as _baldequin_ or _passementerie._"

Beguiled by this turn of events, and the fact my festooned cock was gaining pleasurable attention from Bella, I let her ply me with manufactured clothing items and shove me towards the closet-like dress-rooms.

Only to pout with aversion anew at the squalor of the partitioned-off surroundings.

_Was this a joke?_ There wasn't even a gilded, velvet _confidante_ in the waiting area for Bella to swoon upon when I exited the changing room. And that in itself was a disgusting nasty prank. The plyboard rows of dressing rooms, harshly lit, were a shambles of plastic hangers, straight pins sticking into the stained floor, and shorn off tags. Brooks Brothers this wasn't. And more's the pity.

Not breathing, touching the manmade threads with my fingertips only, I dressed hastily in a pair of jeans and a crewneck – Bella had gotten quite the laugh about that penis pun – and modeled the less-than fabulous fashions for her.

Circling me, she pinched my ass, rubbed my shoulders, caressed my thighs in the too-dark indigo. _Well, hell! At least she wasn't fainting!_

Forget her slim wrist, my shuttle cock was as wide as my own strapping sinew!My dick made new residence in the economical material, and leapt with a big fat drop of toxin spilling out when she slapped my rear, and licked up my neck, "Sold!"

Coy, flirty, a courtesan! She was teasing and testing me, forthright and arousing the hell out of me. In the middle of a warehouse-style obnoxiously bright store that catered to the plebs of the Northwest Territories, no less.

Putting my goods into the red monster of a shopping cart – _Fuck me! Who bought clothes at a place that catered to every facet of human need? And why did I need a trolley? _– I determined it was Bella's turn.

To get her out of those thin-threaded warped high-waisted panties.

Linking her arm through mine, I whistled as we headed towards the lingerie division. And swore again that she'd convinced me to visit this hellish place. With all the bright red and the screaming devil children racing about, this was far fucking worse than my formerly tame idea of Purgatory!

Touching shorts and bikinis and brassieres and stockings, I continually had to pull Bella away from the more verdant colors. All I had to do was steer her clear of everything chartreuse, and we'd be golden.

Not handmade, not labored over, but for the small fingers of foreign children pressed into factory work, not 100% silk or lace, these underthings didn't fit the bill at all, but Bella's cheeks were flushed, and I dare say she rather got off on shopping for nightwear with me!

I tossed a few ensembles into the basket and enjoyed the way the subdued satin-blends silted across my own more masculine clothes.

At the Lady's Dressing Room, Bella thought to fob me off.

There was no way in Hell that was going to happen.

Like a lapdog, I gathered her bits and pieces and followed her into the cubicle.

The scant space had us pleasurably smushed together.

Unzipping her odious sweatshirt, lifted her t-shirt, I unfastened and lowered her jeans.

I tore the sports bra from her body and replaced it caringly with something, though a bit scratchy and not of Parisian make, more sexy. The demi-cups lifted her breasts jauntily, the sheer material hinting to the buttons of her tits that tightened with my fingers pressing.

_Yes, that would do nicely._

I pinched her nipples to make sure the bud color blended well with the translucent cloth, and Bella moaned breathily, "_Edward_…you're getting a bit handsy here."

I ignored her outburst and continued to tweak, roll, pluck. Testing the textile against her pebbling nubbins…_in the name of quality assurance, of course._

The one time I needed Bella to remain still and silent, and perhaps even to close her vixen-like eyes, she was up on her tippy toes, whimpering loudly, beating her palm against the shaky wall, and writhing all over me!

I'd be damned if I was going to fuck her in this mecca to the mongrels of civilization, no matter how much she was pooling in her panties so the aroma sank inside my nose, causing a ripple like chenille to spread across my groin and stop atop my growing cock.

There would be absolutely no fucking in Target. Ever.

Perhaps La Perla, but Target? _No_.

Adequately delighted with Bella's reaction and the look of the new bras upon her perky tits, I piled her clothes over mine in the gargantuan tomato red trolley and hastened to the brightly lit Beauty banner.

Bella definitely knew her way around the fluorescent-lit aisles – thankfully the artificially blinding rays didn't spark the reflection right out of my skin.

I was as overwhelmed by the red lanes heaped with cheap goods imported from China as by her tush when she bent over to inspect clearance tags and money-off coupons.

Already thinking ahead, I wondered if I could just slip it in. An accident…_dear Bella-love, I don't know how my cock came to be in your ass, but doesn't it feel nice?_

I couldn't get my mind out of the gutter, and I blamed it on the spendthrift human fodder surrounding us. More appropriately, I couldn't get my head out of Bella's rear end;she kept fucking bending over in her search for the perfect lubricant!

Much as I abhorred this place, the crowds of meat puppets and buffet-style shopping, Target did have a vast array of personal soluble liquid for his and her pleasure.

Bella stood up, bouncing against my groin, grinding her bum there for a moment before I toppled her forward with my hands placed to the metal shelves in front of her.

She giggled and examined another price tag, trying to ignore my preposterous erection, "I don't know, Edward, this stuff's expensive!'"

Running my nose up and down her neck, saturating myself in her cantante scent, I lifted a slim bottle of Elegance and dictated, "It doesn't matter, love. And it would help with your vaginal dryness problem."

So quietly I wasn't certain I'd heard her correctly, Bella whispered, "_Perhaps if you put your mouth where your money was, there wouldn't BE a problem!"_

_What the fuck?_

Was I not good in bed?

Oh, I had research to do, STAT.

She chose warming Firefly Feminine Organics. With one eyebrow raised I wondered at her purchase.

"I think I'll like the heated aspect, Edward. I mean, your furbelow dick gives me a bit of frostbite, you know? You seriously take my _core_ temperature down when we're fucking?"

_Huh, I hadn't thought of that. _"So, warming lube would help with the hypothermia?"

Bella nodded.

And I settled on plain old Gun Oil.

I was fairly sure something akin to Ben Gay or Binaca wouldn't feel all that great inside her already hot ass!

Thankfully it was two-for-the-price-of-one day on pseudo petroleum jelly, so Bella couldn't really complain.

With an entire shopping cart full, _smote me now_, we finally made our way back to Forks, and I sped to my studies while Bella showered and, _I hoped,_ groomed.

Her comment about my cold cock, and her unhappy reaction when I'd inadvertently stuck just the very tip of my dick into her ass while looking for the entrance to her long canal of love, made me realize preparation and tutelage were needed for this endeavor.

She pretty much lit a fire under my ass!

By the time I'd closed out Google, Bella was clean, freshly scrubbed, and I couldn't wait to see what she'd done with her _satouche_ down below.

She was settled on my enormous king sized bed, laying on her stomach and teasing me with her rump hinted at beneath the tails of one of my own _old man_ button downs. Undeniably the shirt didn't look frumpy on her.

Propped up, biting into a Golden Delicious, reading from _Pride and Prejudice_, Bella was so thoroughly engrossed in the mind numbing meanderings of boorish Mr. Darcy, she didn't notice me pulling off my top and padding to the bed on silent feet.

I jumped up to land at her side with my hand just beneath the twin rolls of her bottom.

"Fuck-a-nutter!" Bella exclaimed.

Her heart sped, her cheeks flushed, the reactions of her body pushing her pillowy ass closer to my wanton hand, and I damned my misguided hearing again. _Fluffernutter? I could certainly do with a fluffer!_

"I'm sorry, Bella, I didn't bring a sandwich. But I could make you one if you'd like," I did _not_ want her damnable human appetite for the inanity of food to interfere with our night's lesson.

"No, Edward, you just surprised me. I've got my handy dandy nutritious apple," She opened her mouth wide, possibly as wide as when she'd deepthroated me and sank her pearly whites into the crisp crunchy flesh so juice dribbled down her chin in trails of cloudy liquid, so very reminiscent of my cum.

_Hmmm, Carlisle had assured me that my venom-sperm really didn't cover any of the five food groups, but it could still provide a filling meal. And, mmm, a sarny; Leah, Bella, me, doggy-style; the image never lost its appeal!_

I shifted my cock in my pants and left Bella to finish her apple, smirking at the hidden symbolism.

At the stereo, I pressed play and listened to the melodic strains of our song weaving across the room.

Closing my eyes, I breathed deeply of…plain air? Untinted by even the hint of Bella's wet arousal? Pulling in another chestful, I sampled the oxygen with my tastebuds. _How curious, I couldn't smell Bella's sweet secretions At All._

My attention was roused by what sounded like cursed mumbling, "Fucking _Clair de Lune."_

I must have misheard her, "What, love?"

Bella's eyes widened like a doe's in the sites of a rifle, "What a lovely New Moon?"

Of course, my Bella had stood and was looking out the floor-to-ceiling windows of my bedroom, admiring the waxy round orb that hung like a nocturnal pendant strung on twinkling stars in the sky, dangling the apple core in her tiny fingers. Treading up behind her, I admired Bella's rear. _Yeah, her full moon, that's what I was talking about! _

_Shit, I might need _to rub one off_ before I got started with my master plan to conquer her luscious bottom._

Looking over her shoulder, suspicion narrowing her eyes, Bella questioned smartly, "Excuse me?"

_Fuck, I'd said that aloud!_

"Uh, I said, 'Perhaps some Rachmaninoff, and I could rub your feet while you sit on the ottoman?"

Strolling to my CD collection, Bella fingered the cases with a gentle sweep of digits. _"Maybe you could just can it with the music and suck my pussy, Edward?"_

Now I knew I was hearing things, my cock twitched, my palm itched, my ears burned and my mouth filled with venom as I rasped, "Come again?"

"_Yeah that would be nice for a change."_

She cleared her throat, "Anything's better than Debussy, darling," Bella smiled at me with such purity I wondered if I was losing my ability to hear every human word no matter how quietly spoken.

And when she looked at me like that, licking her lips and biting the plumper bottom one until it was red as a ruby all I could think was of those _petits oreillers de lit_ sucking my cock.

Bella's eyes flew straight to the fly of my pants as she queried, "What did you say, Edward?"

_Dammit, I'd done it again!_

"We could try a little Bach?"

Meeting in the middle of the room, I pulled Bella back into my arms, my hands settling to her waist.

Groaning against her petite perfect ear, sinking an open-mouthed kiss to the hidden pressure point right behind the scallop of her lobe, I muttered, _this time beneath my breath_, "Jesus, Bella, I want to cum so deep in your ass."

Apparently her hearing was much better than I'd thought all this time even with the minute nature of her ears as she tugged my palms to her derriere and whisper-moaned, "Edward, did you say something about my ass?"

Suddenly the air was awash with fragrant silky threads of Bella's arousal!

Cupping the bolsters of her rear, I licked a line from her collar bone to her jaw, which was quite a stretch even for my paranormal tongue situated as I was at her back, "Uh…no? I said 'For a real change, we could always listen to Orlande de Lassus'."

Really the only sound I wanted to hear was her sweet symphony of moans and whimpers, sighs and groans; a cacophony of eroticism to lock away in the 8-track of my mind so I could later cross-reference sounds with the actions that inspired them

"Skip the music?"

"Yeah," _Fuck yeah! Inner fist bump and let's get it on already, Bella!_

With laziness belying my intent, I unbuttoned Bella's shirt and spread it wide with my fingertips skimming across her breasts. As it fell to the floor, I swept it aside with my bare foot and ran a hand down to her panties, expecting to find worn-out cotton and a rubbery elastic.

Instead I encountered satin, tied in a bow just above her pubic bone! Leaning over her shoulder, I gazed in adoration at the panties then looked up to her reflection in the windows. Pale pink sheer fabric showed not one single shadow of a _galloon_ covering her pussy! The only thing beribboned and festooned were her new bikinis that sat low on her hips with two more large fuchsia bows!

"Oh, Bella!" My nostrils flared and again I reaped the rewards of her telltale aromastaining the air. Enjoying the slip of the sateen material edging her panties, I ran my fingers luxuriously back and forth, feasting my hungry eyes on the slow drip of moisture gathering at the juncture of her thighs, turning the pink a shade darker.

Earlier I'd been disappointed when Bella had returned from her sole hour long sojourn into Port Angeles, while I wandered about aimlessly, beseeching the gods for her to find a good salon at which to get waxed. Instead, she'd met me at the Volvo with an armload of books and what I assumed to be a vulva still covered in a forest of pubes.

Bella, bare lips, and lingerie?

Now, I was decidedly _not_ disappointed. I nodded my head in approval, inside my mouth gaping and possibly drooling, while I executed a happy jig that replaced the usual fist pump!

Unable to contain myself, I slipped the knot from her bikinis on either side and watched the sliverish see-through apparel float down, freeing her velvety skin to my perusal. And peruse I did, with both my eyes and my talented troubadour's fingers.

Her legs opened, her feet planted exactly a shoulder's width apart, and I sank two digits into her thankfully damp folds! So excited I forgot to dull my vampire actions and rioted furiously on Bella's brightening clit until she shook and shouted and started to dry up as though through drought, "Edward!" She screeched. "Ease up already! It's not an eraser."

"_Be nice to my pussy."_

Chagrined, I sighed and slowed my movements, "Sorry, love…and, _what?_"

"Mmmm, maybe a little Giacomo Puccini?"

"Oh, Bella, I'm too busy to mess with the music," I soldered my fingertips more gently to her softest brocatelle, "But I could hum, if you'd prefer?"

"_I think you'd be surprised to know what I prefer."_

"Come again, sweet?" I pleasured her throat with my mouth.

"No worries, Edward, don't be deterred."

Back on course, I fully concentrated on the task under my hand. Over Bella's naked lower _bouche_, I opened the instruments of my middle and index fingers, gliding up and down the outside of her Labia Majora. Pinching twice with the length of my digits, I felt more wetness seeping out.

Pulling a finger away, I utilized just one. Tenderly traipsing up and down her chamois slit, sliding across but never delving in.

_She was fucking soaking!_

Remembering her chastisement, I temperately brushed across either nipple as well as her clitoris in counter point directions, while Bella shook against me, sighing and moaning and filling in the silent void.

Bringing her face to mine, I kissed her deeply and said, "I can't wait to facefuck your mons."

Bella broke away, "Sorry?"

"I was just thinking I'd like to introduce you to the music of Rainaut de Pons, darling," I smirked and sank to my knees.

Pulling on her hips, forcing her thighs further apart, I compelled Bella to brace herself on the window and bend forward.

A banquet of ripe flesh, and her buttocks, greeted my face!

I supped for such a long time Bella almost fainted to the floor, but I didn't have to remind her to keep breathing.

I sucked her smooth satin outer lips into my mouth for many long kisses, pointed my cool tongue in and out of her while I caressed and divided her cheeks, massaging the crease and then her piquet opening to gauge her response.

This time I was not one bit thwarted!

Bella tossed her hair back, and it kind of whipped me in the face. I remained undaunted and unfazed as I carried on licking, nipping, French kissing and mouth fucking her while bringing my thumbs closer and closer to her piquant fleshly opening!

"You're getting to be quite the cunnilinguist, Edward."

I took an inordinate amount of pride in her praise; licking her up and down twice more, I sat back a moment, "Well, love, I _do_ know quite a few _tongues_. Shall we add the Language of Love to the list?"

Bella grumbled something akin to, _"God! Why do I even bother? Just get back to it already."_ But I was too far deep in her draped heaven to heed her properly.

A few more nips, a couple greedy tucks, a quick pluck of the seersucker _cloque_ of her rear, and Bella jolted up, then back, then forward, crying out and fogging the enormous window pane, "OH! _Yes, yes YES!"_

Thank fuck for once I didn't have to demand her to shout during her release, though she hadn't said my name.

I frowned, a bit.

And my brow puckered like the crushed-crepe flesh around her secret button hole when she speedily brought my dripping able fingers into her mouth, moaning at the taste of herself there.

Again, I asked silently, did my cum not taste as scrumptious?

Replete, but thankfully spurred on, Bella turned and brought my almost bursting tasseled erection from my jeans, those thick heavily dyed denims purchased from Target.

With each shove of the stiff fabric down my legs, she lowered herself to the floor so my cock was long, round, thick, wide and hard squarely in front of her face.

She dallied a bit, bit her bottom lip. Laved her lips openly all over my shaft and curled her fingers into the warp and weft of my pleasure trail, pulling the tendrils sharply until I gasped, and my knees buckled.

Wet with her saliva, my dick knew the fast hold of her fists, flailing around, punching up and pulling down. Teasingly, Bella ignored the pelmet of my head until I stopped her hands and showed her exactly what I needed.

Up, up up my length I took all four of our hands then circled the tip with a smart tap that made me gasp aloud, "You see, Bella-love, it's all in the wrist action. Flick it like you're hanging sheets on the washline."

Squeezing so tightly at the base of my cock that it turned deep violet, Bella glared, "That analogy is just so wrong, Edward." I feared she would start whinging, wringing her fey wee hands, so I apologized with haste, "Sorry, darling. I just know you like…_doing laundry!_" The last uttered on an inhalation as she ticked my top just the way I liked, still holding hard to my base!

_Oh FUCK! She was onto something there!_ _Why hadn't I thought of that?_

My cheeks caved in, my eyes threatened to roll but I wouldn't have that now, would I? I bit my top lip, then my bottom, watching Bella's mystifying ministrations in the window, "God! Those fingers, Bella! You should really take up piano." _Or the mouth organ._

_Or my organ in your mouth._

"Edward, do you want a handjob or would you rather give me a music lesson?"

Very good question.

I stilled Bella's hands, the teeny talented things, as I pondered. _Why not both? That would be hot!_ Realizing she was glowering up at me while I condescended, I put her back in motion with a sure thrust up through her circling grasp, remembering to slowly lick my lips and make my eyes heavy and hypnotic.

Turning the tables, Bella crawled between my legs to my undignified yelp!

She still held my cock, pointing it down, and the new direction found me floundering for equilibrium. At my _Bombe Surprise_, she took my ass and spread my frozen glutes with one very able hand, all the while jerking the jerkin of my cock, and leaned in to tongue my folded hole!

She continued to fist and returned to nibble, and once she loosened her grip, the flood of toxin stormed up my dick, and I came in what had to be at least six huge spurts of sperm-poison. I was heartened to see that Bella neither gagged nor spluttered, but ingested my offering with little sips.

I recovered quickly, of course, and carried Bella, _a la modele nuptiale,_to the mattress. A thumb to her clit, a finger swirling her denuded nether lips, and I mumbled, "You're so not ready for me."

Bella of the weird superhuman perception replied chirpily, "I know, right? Thank God we bought that lube!"

Gleefully she crawled to the nightstand and popped open her bottle of Firefly, drizzled some onto my fingers, and let me get straight to work.

In record time, Bella was fully housing my shaft. Situating herself with her back to me and her ass splayed, her knees to the bed, her back arched, she opted for the Reverse Cowboy, and _holy shit_, that was HOT!

_At least we'd gotten past her near-impenetrable hymen._

Through gasps and groans Bella managed, "What?"

I hissed, watching her sweet fucking bum riding my cock, "_Jesus_, Bella, next time let's listen to Haydn!"

Bella wound up and down as I clenched her hips, her waist, her neck. Suckled her back and revered her rear as I watched my dick, slick, WET, working in and out of her. The visual was fucking overwhelming, and I wanted to be inside that last taut recess!

_The only downside was I couldn't see her tits._

"Ohhhhh, _Edward_, did you say something?"

I crowed and grated and gnashed my teeth, "Ung, _fuck, GAH, _Bella! Another option…would be…_Karl Ditters von Dittersdorf!_"

Unable to deny the invitation, I licked my thumb and smoothed it unobtrusively, _or so I thought_, into Bella's brazen backside.

She jolted and jumped off of me!

Wrenched me to my side and pushed me to my front where the hills of the duvet were not quite as soft and plush as her rump or tits.

Straddling my hips, Bella's bare bits moistened my thighs, and then her mouth was on my spine. Her tongue trailed a straight sensual line down my back to my cold crossed-buns and even further!

As if by rote, my eyebrow rose! As did my tundra-like ass.

Looking back, I watched Bella's satisfied, superior smile before she bent low to nuzzle my backside.

I crawled back down the bed, an utterly inferior creature.

_What's good for the goose is good for the gander._

The detail she gave my bottom made me scrunch all of my rock-hard muscles against the need to cave in and cum.

Was this an invitation? Another saddle for my Cavalier to mount?

_Christ, I wanted to bareback, piggyback Bella all the way to the winner's ring!_

"Bella! Fuck-Bella! I want_ your_ ass!"

She nibbled her lips and brushed her fingertips across the swollen ellipses, then rubbed her own ass, sitting back on her knees, "I though you'd never ask."

This was no subterfuge or fake-out, at least I hoped!

My inner demon was a fucking whirling dervish, spinning up tornados like the Tasmanian Devil!

Ready to spill my seed like an unseasoned steed, I sat up and away, "Whoa, whoa, whoa! Backup! You _want_ to try this?" I felt like a mere mortal unable to grasp the concept of Bella imagining anal sex.

"Well, Angela said-"

"What?"

Holy shit! Angela? _It always was the quiet ones_. Bella and Ange, ménage-a-trois, me Bella and Ange…

"Yeah, so with the numbing properties of your-"

I interrupted with my imposing vocabulary, "_Lambrequin?_"

Huffing, rolling her eyes, the smeared satin scent of her arousal evaporating, "Edward, I don't even know what that means…."

"Just think of _it_ as a hoodie, my love."

"Ooookay. I'd like to try this, and I've done my homework."

_Hells yes! I was so proud!_

I smiled and began to place her impeccably at the side of the mattress, palms down, hips up, feet on the ottoman that finally came in handy. It was all about the correct angle multiplied by the proper rate of propulsion, because Bella had neglected to buy strappy heels in black, or red –_or Hell, any damn hue so long as they weren't green_ – but I'd remedy that next time.

Grabbing the plain lubricant, I dolloped it onto my hands.

Urging one finger into her, and then another, I scissored the ridged flesh apart and speculated aloud, "Bella, have you been stretching yourself?"

The opening speculum of my dividing thrusts gained gyrations and giblets of drizzled words, " _Ahhh,_ _a_ bit, yes. You can't just spring this on a woman…_Jesusfuckyes_…you know?" _Holy hell, she'd even done the prep work!_

Taking myself in hand, striating wet liquid up and down the hook-and-eye of my dick, I brought myself to her rear and slowly entered.

Each inch made quick work of my impending climax. Every centimeter of my huge beast found me stopping along the way to allow Bella's body to adjust, to let her ass relax to my epic Vitruvian Man standards.

"Shit, the core, _The Core!" _Bella shouted, implored.

I held my weight off of her and scrounged around beneath to palpate her Labia Minora as well as her g-spot but met her bold spitting cuss, "No, Edward. That fucking apple core is impaling my tits!"

_Shit, I'd forgotten about that!_

Reaching beneath, I fished the pulpy, juicy stem from her cleavage and threw it to the windows, where the baleful moon blinked at the fissure it created in the glazed glass.

Another long measured thrust, and I was in.

I didn't have the energy to fist pump or jig because I was too concentrated on not cumming the second my balls slapped Bella's snappish clit!

Motionless, I reared back and howled! I inclined and brushed through the snarled tangles of her nutty hair as it sweated into the dimples above her ass. The ass my cock was sitting inside of.

Bella's forehead met the mattress and pounded twice. Her hips swirled once, unsure, and then again, more confidently, and I took that as my sign to move.

With her tea-time earlier at my testicles and the tight clamp of her taut hole, I was woeful I wouldn't last long.

So hot, wet -- _not too hot, not too wet as I'd chosen just the right lube in just the right amount –_ Bella's bum snookered me in and winded me out!

Before long we had a good rhythm going. She groaned, I sawed, I sighed, she lunged back!

The tightening of my balls and the compression from my abs to my pecs to my biceps to my neck over my shoulders and down my back let me know I was far too fucking close for comfort to cumming all inside Bella's sumptuous rear end.

"Touch yourself, baby," I babbled, under breath, pulling her to my chest and winding her hair into my hands.

Bella's palms remained plastered to the duvet.

_Oh Fuck Me. _If she wasn't going to touch herself I sure as hell was going to!

I needed her to cum with me!

Reaching around, pounding like a jackhammer, I fondled her pearly button and grinned when her arse jutted up to my pelvis.

_She had to orgasm first._

I scrunched my face up in an effort to stave off the inevitable.

_By God, Bella was going to climax first if I gave myself an aneurysm trying!_

My master plan was not to be denied. "Please, Bella, _please!_ Cum with me!"

"Jesus, Edward, I'm trying! But.._fuckmeharder_…just give me a minute."

A minute?

One fist to the bed beside her strafing head, my dick sinking in, sucking out, I added two fingers to her creases to the mix.

_I was a goddamn genius!_

Bella stopped. Shuddered. Reared up! _Ceased breathing_. A pound to her clavicle restarted her respiration with an almighty bellow, "EDWARD! I'm CUMMING! Are YOU?"

I smacked her bottom, grabbed it hard, knifed into it and spasmed like a schoolboy.

Probably seven extended gushes of gilded gruel glowed inside of her tush.

She milked my cock, and I milled her depths.

Bella flattened to the bed, and I beaded my fingertips over her.

Pulling out, with the suck of a vacuum, I fell forward and folded her to me.

Although I knew it wasn't possible, I was utterly exhausted, sated. Replete and contented, having vanquished all three of Bella's blissful openings.

A little smirk lifted the corner of her mouth and my dormant didactic heart flipped. I uttered the words before I knew what I was saying, "I fucking love you, Bella. Will you marry me?"

"_Just because I like it rough?"_

"Pardon me, Bella?" my simper faltered, just a bit.

Bella sat up, wrapping the ludicrously oversized golden duvet and Egyptian cotton sheets under her arms, "Well, you decide, Edward. Either I said, 'That's a bit off the cuff' or 'Are you really asking me to marry you in the buff?'"

I chose the latter and dressed swiftly in those dread despicable cut-rate threads, hoping to entice the right answer out of her, so I could reward myself with an A+++ for the day on a job well done.

I lit candles, turned the lights low, and found my mother's ring.

I placed Bella, costly linens and all, on my black leather sofa and knelt beside her.

"Bella-love, you've made all my dreams," – _and fetishes_ – "come true. Without you I'd be alone, in the dark, wandering about, pointlessly, with no one to listen to me…a blighted spirit, a broken burning man…"

My soliloquy went on for several minutes, possibly more, as Bella's eyelids grew heavy, and her breathing labored deeply in what I hoped was a sign of elation at my loving proposition.

Her eyes lifted suddenly, pupils dilated, when I grabbed her hand, "Bella, will you do me the great honor of becoming my wife?" MINE, MINE, MINE!

Her head nodded forward, and I took that as concurrence, but I needed vocalization of her promise.

"I'm sorry, love, could you enunciate for me?"

"_Christ almighty, Edward. Will you let me finally sleep if I elucidate?"_

That was certainly a mistake of my aural senses. I simply raised one expressive eyebrow and formed a question mark with my lips.

"Yes, Edward, my darling. The answer is yes, I _will_ marry you."

* * *

~~So, did Assthetic make you laugh? Who wants Peddie's take on the honeymoon?~~

Yes, it's true, we're completely off our fucking rockers!

You can laugh some more, and even enjoy some hot southern charm and wit in my rollicking good fic, _**Dead Confederates**__._ Or you can sit back for a tale of rich passionate legendary love stories with _**Youth Without Age and Life Without Death.**_ Aw, hell, just check my profile because I've recently posted a few AU oneshots worth a gander too.

**Indies Noms end tomorrow night. **Nominate you favorite under-reviewed fics! It's an awesome award site! Link on my profile.

Rie~


	4. BMOF

**Viola Cornuta!** You're the LOML! I _am_ ACORN, but you remain a BAC. And I adore you when you GI. Oh yeah, thanks for the prevent-nup! YBYSA, I love you.

**Disclaimer: **Mine, Mine, Mine! Okay, some of it's hers.

Huge thanks and my forever love to **RowanMoon, Viola Cornuta, and BellaStjerne **for their help in _multiple_ languages!

~~Eyes will roll…the return of Pedanticward and Sassbella. It's important to remember, this is but a parody ;)~~

* * *

**BMOF**

Bella tried to backpedal.

"I'm too young to get married," she exclaimed in the morning.

"Well, love, I'm not," I countered, smirking and pulling her back over me, massaging her ass and wondering how long I'd have to wait to get back in that tight hot hole.

She muttered a soft, "_Trufax_."

Both my eyebrows rose as did my hands, clasping her shoulders, "You're only as young as you feel, Bella," I cajoled against that impressionable divot just below her earlobe.

Shrinking away, she eyed me up and down causing me to preen just a bit as the sheet slipped away with her, "What does that mean? Are you calling me old?"

_What the devil?_

"No! I… it's just one of those asinine clichés. I didn't think through what I was saying, I'm sorry," mentally, I smacked myself. This was what happened when I spoke in an unpremeditated manner.

"Oh, well," she huffed and settled back to my chest. "I don't want to turn out like Renee." I winced and cringed and pulled a few hairs loose from the crown of my luxuriously bronze-tressed head because that put a new spin on things. "That makes two of us, love!" _Ew, and Hell No! That was a sandwich that put me off blood to even contemplate!_

Compassionately, I rubbed Bella's bare back and simpered against the lovely temptation of her collarbone, "You're nothing like your mother, lover. This has nowt to do with her mistakes, only our timeless, fathomless, endless and incomparable love."

For three weeks Bella hemmed and hawed, chewed and chawed while I paced and clawed at my hair. Yes and then no. No and then yes. I had a severe and near-crippling case of emotional whiplash.

In the end I sweetened the deal with a new car for my darling and one for myself on a job well done. Matching Mercedes, his and hers. The elegant, understated vehicles were so much more appropriate than monogrammed towels. It went without saying _hers_ was missile resistant, as she was a typical female driver. I supposed, actually, her tank of a truck had really been a godsend in its indestructible hulkishness.

Kissing me deeply and pushing me to the hood, _with my submission_, Bella suitably thanked me on her shiny new auto. I thought I heard a small, shushed exhalation when she caressed the metallic finish of the car and then my cock of the same high gloss, "Bout damn time."

"Sorry, love?"

"Will you be mine?"

When she finally capitulated, it went without saying all that was mine would also belong to her. There were certain mores with which I was raised. Bella, however, had other ideas and demanded a prenuptial agreement.

The issue of a pre-nup almost became a prevent-nup. Deciding financial matters in the event of the death of a partner sent me into a _dépression nerveuse _of epic proportions, because it ultimately dawned on me Bella would die some day if I didn't avert it! How could I have been so misguided and foolish as to give my heart to a human with no backup strategy? At the very least, Bella was aging by the minute! I drove Alice mad with my desire for our future laid out unambiguously. Who did I have to blow to get an HEA after all this drama?

It took every ounce of vampire dazzle I had to convince Bella to accept a suitable portion of my wealth outright. She soothed herself by watching CNBC's "Squawk Box" each afternoon with her back turned toward us all, laptop open, to monitor her portfolio.

Responsibly, we waited until she graduated, and then another three months until Bella celebrated her nineteenth birthday, which threw me into another tizzy as time leaked by. For Bella, it was a milestone. For me it was at least the thankful end of a Cavalier-threatening era; _au revoir Invisalign!_ My _cochon en croute _had been dangerously close to permanent damage -- vampire nature notwithstanding -- more than I cared to remember.

I timed our nuptials and subsequent honeymoon so as not to coincide with her menses as that would lay waste to all my months of planning. It was easy math for me.

The preparation of such a grand affair was nearly seamless due to my multitasking prowess…aside from the music. I'd imagined _Clair de Lune_ to be a given, until Bella, in the throes of what could only be assigned to raging premenstrual tension, rounded on me, "_Clair de Lune_ is not fucking great, Edward!"

My eyes widened in surprise, and my face blanched ghoulishly pale, "What?" I struggled to understand what she meant.

"Oh Hell, Edward. You decide. Either I said, '_Clair de Lune_ is less than first rate' or, 'That fucking song is beginning to grate.' Think of it as a _choose your own adventure._ Either way, the outcome is the same."

_Wait, what? Did she say cum? Fuck. What?_

I sighed heavily and then retaliated the only way I knew, "You do understand, love, _choose your own ending_ books are not classified as real literature, right?"

Bella said something under her breath and stomped from the room leaving me with her last viperish utterance, "_Shake Ya Ass_ would be much more fitting."

_Hmmm, that had promise._

The day of our wedding dawned as every other three hundred and sixty-four Forks days; gray, damp, cloudy.

The weather couldn't put a pout on my mouth. In four hours, Bella Swan was to become Mrs. Edward Cullen!

I peacocked and strolled the garden while her appearance was made acceptable.

A popinjay, I sat to my Baby Grand, replacing the strains Debussy with my own composition I liked to call _Etude in loneliness to love, the fruition of a vampire made man, replete and no longer alone, made whole and masculine with purpose by the mortal woman of his dreams._ I started playing a good twelve minutes before her processional was to commence. The piercing melody would take a quarter of an hour and less than half my talented concentration to complete.

Still running my skilled fingers over the keys, I turned when the talk behind me quieted.

Here she was. My bride. _Oh thank God, her dress wasn't puce or even in the green family!_

I pulsed over the last notes of my dedication and sauntered to the altar to watch Bella's approach.

Simply sheathed in a charming pale gray-blue wash of satin, Bella was as stunning as she was when naked, or wearing those beribboned panties with lacy mesh scantily hiding her breasts.

Thankfully, Alice had planned ahead, ordering a couture _robe de marriage._ Was it any wonder we were _deux pois dans une cosse?_

Jasper held the Good Book open in his hands and looked to me. "Ladies first, of course," I gallantly pressed.

Bella's vows were succinct and over quickly, perhaps even chary; most unlike her powerful endless orgasms and her detailed instructions to me in order I should aptly bring her to climax. I would have shed a tear had I an ounce of liquid besides venom to give; instead I held her fey hand in mine and imagined her trouncing my cock at the first opportunity as my Missus.

There was a resounding shuffle of feet and an echo of one hundred sighs when I cleared my throat, unnecessarily. I took that as a good sign.

Modifying my simple vows spur of the moment from what we'd agreed to, I carried on for more than five minutes. I did have rather a lot to say. Halfway through I was interrupted by stifled yawns and perhaps a _snore?_ all of which I chalked up to human fatigue and restlessness.

As I continued, I must have misread the pursing of Bella's lips that seemed to fashion, _"What an epic unending soliloquy. Perhaps your mouth would be better put to a monologue, more aptly, MY Vagina Monologue."_

As we were in the middle of our connubial ceremony, I had no opportunity to question her.

My ring to her finger and hers to mine completed our dynasty in the making. My lips cantering carnally against Bella's -- my wife! -- joined the circle of our love and lust!

I choked back a tearless sob – _Her ass was legally MINE, MINE, MINE!_

Outside, under the enormous tent, over the parquet floor, Bella and I were called to the center for our first dance.

_Mother bugger!_ Bella's choice? _Shake Ya Ass, _by Mystikal! Well, I'd asked for it. But, hell! If I thought about Bella shaking that curvy ass against me at this moment, I might just give way to my savage tendencies right here and now. Copulation in public was on the table, but not at our wedding reception, _dammit!_

Bella sashayed to me, her finger hooked and pulling me to her like a magnet. She smoothed her hands down her hips and planted her feet in the high strappy heels exactly a shoulder's width apart. I was pleased with her formulaic lines.

Her eyes lowered as did her hips. _All the way to the floor._

_Fuck!_ I could feel her hot breath against my crotch – _Was she going to give me dry job right here?_ Surely not!

Laughter boomed around us, my smile turned into a very hungry grin when she rolled back up to her full height. I grabbed her waist and brought her flush to me, "Bella, you know I'm already dead, love. No need to try to kill me tonight in front of everyone."

Settling my palms to her shaking ass, I moved her across my erection. Unbelievably everyone clapped – _did they think they were getting a free show tonight?_ Charlie, however, gaped like one of his trout; the man had a gift for fishy impersonation.

"_Tu me rends fou_," I gasped against her smiling lips. And she _was_ making me completely crazy.

Bella mumbled, "The feeling's mutual, I assure you."

She gyrated up and down the thigh I braced between her legs. I slid the sumptuous raw silk up from her ankles above her knees until her garter was exposed for all to see. Bending her back, I hushed into her neck, "_Je veux te fourrer._"

Oh Jesus, did I ever want to fuck Bella!

_Shit, did she just shake her booty at me?_

Fuck me, when had the slang term _booty_ infiltrated my pristine vocabulary?

She was going to be the death of all my gentlemanly impulses.

Bella spun around, pulled what looked like fifty pins from her hair and undulated down to the floor, swaying all the way. It was all I could do to withhold myself from swatting that sensational rear, round and fine in the satiny icy blue glove.

I stole her back to me for a kiss at her nape and a clasp to the pillowy undersides of her heaving breasts before the next song started.

My choice? Shakira's _Hips Don't Lie._ To set the mood for our secret destination honeymoon. _Attraction, perfection, I can see you're body moving._

_I never really knew that she could dance like this  
She makes a man want to speak Spanish,  
Como se llama, bonita, mi casa, su casa_

Bella swiveled all around me, and I began to think this was a really bad idea! Trumpet, drums, and her hips?

I bit my lip and frowned. I bent down and pulled her legs over my waist as she lingually meshed out the lyrics:

_Oh baby when you talk like that  
You make a woman go mad  
So be wise and keep on  
Reading the signs of my body_

_And I'm on tonight  
You know my hips don't lie  
And I'm starting to feel it's right  
All the attraction, the tension  
Don't you see baby, this is perfection._

Her maracas moved against me and almost all of her cleavage was bared, completely untamed and really fucking hot.

Pushing my hand up the ruched fabric of her gown, I grabbed Bella's ass and growled.

Dipping her so her mahogany locks swept the floor, I stilled her hips and her breasts with my hands flattened to her body.

Applause melted around us.

It was time to go.

Rice beat us like hail, and I wondered what asshole had imagined that trite tradition. Teeny pink welts were raised on Bella's shoulders, and I simply didn't want anything marring the radiant cream of her skin.

Ushering her past well-wishers who wanted to linger, I placed her in my new Merc, and we made for the airport.

This was what we all wanted, or most importantly, _me_; ten parts wedding and one thousand three hundred and ninety-nine parts honeymoon.

_~~ll~~_

Realizing the error of my ways in not taking full advantage of the semi-privacy of Target's dressing rooms, I'd fashioned a plan for our induction into the Mile High Club. It went without saying, but I reiterated to myself anyway; _only because we were in First Class. Certainly not in Coach! That would be tantamount to fucking in a one-stop-shop._

My shudder of distaste nudged Bella's arm resting next to mine in the cushy seats of the airplane's posh upperclass cabin, causing a dribble of sparkling bubbly to spill onto the back of her hand, which brought to mind my own pale _foutre_ dripping over her fingers.

Bella smacked a bubble and lifted her glass again.

Champagne with mint gum? I shivered again.

_It couldn't be. Bella was chewing gum?_

"Bella-love, are you… _chewing gum?_"

Nodding, sighing, she set her glass aside with the possible mumble of, _"Not even off the ground and HWGA."_

Reprovingly I mentioned, "You just got rid of your teeth straighteners; you know that will mess up the perfect placement of your bite, love. Additionally, it's without question an insult to an entirely adequate _cava_ to mix it with Carefree Sugarless."

Her lips curled in an unattractive manner, "_Fuck's sake, should I call you Dad or Pops?"_

"Excusez-moi?"

"But my ears will pop!"

Oh my little _peepee popper._ "Bella, I have plans that should assist with your popping problem."

Mutely, I held out my hand for her to plop the slimy vivid green into my palm. Discreetly, I folded it into the vomit bag.

"So, _husband_, this proposal of yours?" Bella looked at me expectantly.

I tangled my long instrumental fingers into her wavy locks and brought her ear slowly to my lips, blaming the rumble of the plane's engines throttling for take-off for what sounded like Bella's grumble, _"AFDN."_ "I think it's _high _time we discovered the joys of public congress, Bella."

Just as I was about to nuzzle the exquisitely trembling pulse below her lobe, my lover pulled away, "In plain English?"

Over her pursed mouth I breathed, "The Mile High Club."

From one corner of her lips to the other, I dazed her into breathlessness, tempted to pull down the oxygen mask and check her vitals. Thank goodness Bella recovered when I released her mouth, a crooked half-grin-smirk lifting my thoroughly kissed mouth. Leaning her head against the chair she whispered, "_Oh, Edward!_ TMHC!"

_TMHC?_ A bright light finally shone! Leet speak? I preferred to type complete words when texting but had heard of this phenomenon, another travesty of the 21st century.

So, _AFDN?_ It took but less than a second for me to figure that one out: _Any Fucking Day Now._ And then, _HWGA_? _Here We Go Again?_ Surely not!

Her body began to radiate the heat I so enjoyed and the antiseptic air filled with the bouquet of her aroused fragrance so I ignored her sassyremarks. Wanting her nice and wet and ready before we hit the cubicle, I made my voice low as dark velvet and bombarded her with French phrases, hoping to drown out the cipher slang as I nibbled her chin, her lovely collarbone, her gasping lips, "_J'ai envie de toi desperatement. Je veux te prendres dans mes bras et denais ton parfum."_

With the ding of the seatbelts sign shutting off, I ushered Bella to the lavatory. Squeezing in behind her, I locked the door.

Quietly giggling, Bella bit her lip. It looked so tasty I snacked lightly on it myself. She retaliated and gnawed on mine and the frisson of her tiny incisors on my impermeable skin was an explosion igniting me.

I bumped my elbow against the elfish sink while lowering her pretty fig colored thong to the floor, making sure it didn't touch the germy wasteland beneath our feet. Running my long fingers like liquid up her inner thighs, I met a most pleasant surprise…_Bella was soaking wet!_ There'd be no need for the travel sized bottle of lube I'd picked up during a clandestine trip to Target – that abomination to my classically trained senses was beginning to grow on me like an unhealthy fungus. Doing a silent congratulatory dance that my intentionwas going according to design_,_I accordioned my digits in and out of her, once again thrilling at her nether _bouche_ sans bush.

No olive toned knickers, total saturation, and a waxed pussy…_Fuck! I loved Mrs. Cullen!_

I stood up and mashed my mouth to hers roughly, and her little tiny hands opened my buckle, button and zipper hastily.

A bright pupil, Bella could now studiously swallow my cock in various stances, but no matter my speedy geometry, there was no way she'd be able to DT me in this WC, much to my dismay.

Smoothing the ridges on my forehead as well as the veiny topping over hard-soft flesh of my cock all the way up the ruffle of my foreskin, tamping down the toxin sliding out, Bella demanded, "Bring that BANANA over here."

"I prefer the term _blette, _love, if we must get down to it," I rehashed for the millionth time.

"_Getting down to it, YES, let's already!"_

Sucking her nipples through the part I'd made in her blouse, I queried, "What, love?"

"Fuck me now, Edward, _I'm so ready_." Bella wrapped her legs around my hips and held her cunt an inch and two tenths away from my cock.

If we were going to join The Mile High Club, we were going to do it right.

"Wait," I pleaded, feeling the fire of her body so close to my own subzero dick, widening my stance, swiping two paper towels from the dispenser and placing them on the microscopic counter before setting Bella's ass down.

All the while I figured the rising altitude in my head, plunging closer and closer to her copiously damp recess with each foot ascended.

At precisely five thousand two hundred and eighty feet, I lunged into Bella's core! Everything in the little room shook with my force, but I mused on her breasts that bounced about beautifully.

Blue chemically water sloshed around the toilet, determined to be a mood killer, but I wouldn't have that.

Maintaining my pace, I belted into her in time with each of her epithets, "Fuck. Yes. More. Don't Stop!"

I could hardly stop, the unreckoned turbulence was throwing me into Bella at an alarming tempo!

Groaning, hissing, howling, growling and cussing, I accomplished a great feat of acrobatics: juggling her tits, stroking her sumptuous bottom to ensure it never touched anunsanitary surface, I even managed to languidly circle her clitoris with my nail while I nailed her in a contortionist's testament to my paranormal dexterity and strength.

If only I could get her into the right position to hit her g-spot. Alas, even I had to admit defeat sometimes.

The thin air was supposed to heighten Bella's response. The lack of O2 meant I couldn't very well beg her to keep her eyes focused and non-rolly, or ask her to scream my name loud and clear, but a nice, long unintelligible climax flourished through her, and I myself came in six or seven ceaseless ropey spurts of thick, creamy -- _chunky?_ -- semen-like substance.

I pulled out of Bella, supporting her against the shaking of the plane and put our clothing in order just as a nasally voiced air hostess requested over the speaker, "_Please return to your seats."_

In the nick of time, our marriage was consummated.

_~~ll~~_

Unbeknownst to Bella, we were approaching Isle Esme. It was no Lesbos, and mores the pity, because girl-on-girl, Sappho, a threesome, me and Bella and someone else in an orgy of bacchanalian proportions! That shit was hot.

But it was secluded, a necessary ingredient for the further fruition of my campaign, and muggy enough that Bella's irritating habit of chattering her teeth when my icicle of a cock was inside of her – _that definitely got in the way of her ability to pronounce clearly while I fucked her_ – would cease.

Tilling the wheel, tending the sails, out on the open Pacific, I vowed that one day my wife would have an entire country named after her, if only I could figure out which nation to usurp.

Bella placed a fragile hand upon mine, upon the wheel, and smoothed my knuckles, "What's wrong, Edward?"

"Oh, nothing, my love. Just thinking."

"Yes, dear, you do that a lot."

As if she'd requested me to continue my train of thought aloud, "Not long ago I couldn't find my own arse with a flashlight and a map, and a compass. Now look what I have before me! There's so much I want to show you, give to you, my lovely Mrs. Cullen."

I watched a gorgeous blush spread like a watercolor stain over Bella's chest and visage; the warmth of her blood never ceased to call to me, as a man and a vampire.

"_Naturellement, mon cavelier. Maintenant heure de monter vers le haut." _

I let go of the spinnaker and gawped at my wife, "Bella! You spoke _la langue francaise!"_

"You don't know everything about me, Edward," Bella smiled up at me while I unraveled her statement. Apparently not, because of her malfunctioning mind. She'd just stated, in one of my favorite languages, _"Of course, my cavalier. Now it's time to mount up." _

The island neared off the bow, the dying light glittering against the bay and creating a mesmerizing golden orange backdrop to the small outcrop in the middle of the sea.

As we approached the dock, Bella was appositely appreciative of the setting and the vacation home before us, "Oh, it's stunning, Edward."

Leaping to the jetty, I lifted her out, "I don't mean to be a bear, my love, but I'd prefer it if at times you'd call me husband, or even Mr. Cullen." _Master or sir would work too, JS._

Rearing back, Bella raised an eyebrow.

"You know, to drive home our marital status, of course, darling."

She maintained her arched brow.

"Uh, and, oh! Master or sir? I was _just kidding._

"Besides, _Mrs. Cullen_, what I really wanted to say was architecture concretizes our existential space, while nature illumines our spiritual waste."

She rolled her eyes.

Maybe I'd over done it? She knew how much I hated her rolling her pretty doe-brown eyes.

But then she laughed and skipped down the planks. Meeting the beach she shoved off her sandals and kicked up flawless white sand into billowing clouds.

She really was a treasure. _And mine, mine, mine for the pleasure!_

Thank fuck I hadn't said that aloud.

Hoping she'd put the time to good use and slather the strawberry perfumed body lotion on every available surface, I granted Bella a human moment to her _toilette_ while I did a few thousand laps around the cove.

My second port of call? The placid turquoise waters of the ocean and Bella's walls around my member.

Standing in the still water, the current slowing down, I felt her displacement in modest rippling waves that broke against my implacable ass.

I smelled strawberries and other, more tropical, fruit.

Sniffing again, there was even the tincture of Bella's sluicing sensuality.

I turned to her, pleased by her nudity and the glimmer of the dusk over her high spherical breasts and down to her dipped-in waist. Her nipples puckered and turned a deeper, sexier persimmon _couleur_ the longer I observed.

My John Thomas bounced against Bella's thigh, and I was not going to mess about with foreplay. Smushing her tits together, I gained two nipples for the price of one – I thought that was very fucking economical; the trustees of Target would be proud of me! – and suckled them between the edges of my teeth, mouthing them with my lips. Grabbing ass, clenching hair, sucking hard, I worked my way into my wife, stopping briefly at the hilt so she could adjust and gasp _and_ remember to breathe.

The imposing length and girth of my cock winding in and slowing out set up a new flow to the ocean. Miniature tsunamis brought seafoam to the shore.

I encased her back and pushed down on her bottom, crowded her breasts to my chest, and eyeballed her ecstatic face whilst listening for her exhalations.

Prompting Bella, I snarled, "Fuck, yes, baby! You're so wet! So hot and tight and blazing and tight. Promise me you'll never change!"

Bella reined up, licked my ear and scraped her teeth to my jaw, "Well, I'm only human, _Mr. Cullen."_

_Shit! She was right! Anything could happen. Why must I think of this now? Bella was aging. FUCK!_

I tuned out my inner speech enough to finish my erogenous work. Focusing on the here and now, I congratulated myself on a fine choice of venue for our honeymoon one more time. With the ocean licking all around us, there was no need for lubricant yet again! In fact, I could barely keep hold of my squirmy mermaid.

Especially when the sharks started circling.

They smelled dinner! What the fuck? Was I not the most frightening predator of the food chain? Was I not scary or vampire enough?

This was almost worse than coming to terms with the preposterous idea my ejaculate was not the ambrosia of gods.

As if she could hear my thoughts, the maid appeared on the beach to lay out towels and call, "_Le puedo ofrecer algo más, Don Eduardo_?"

I shook my head as I ran to the shoreline, stating, "_Eso es todo, gracias, María Concepción_." We needed no more interference tonight.

Wrapping us up in a cocoon of fluffy terry cloth, we adjourned to the cottage. My cock was near purple with starvation.

My arm beneath her knees, I cradled Bella and carried her bridal style to our suite for nothing less would suit The Mrs. Edward Anthony Masen Cullen.

I couldn't have been more pleased with the décor of the boudoir. There was even a fainting couch, which I measured minutely with a narrowing of my eyes, acknowledging it to be the right height to bend Bella over and reenact our anal experience.

"Would you look at that _confidante_, Mrs. Cullen?" I placed Bella on the bed heaped in white and pale brown linens echoing the mirage outside the patio door.

She pulled her hair back, raising her breasts so they teased my pontificating mouth, and slid her legs open to my dick, "GOYHH, _my cavalier."_

Groaning into her mouth, I formed the words for her texty acronym: _Get off your high horse?_ Shit! I was going to ride her so hard she'd be beseeching for my Cav into the next century, as soon as I could change her into a vampire!

Splaying her ivory legs, making a mental note to cover them in SPF 50 sunscreen tomorrow, I dipped to her _juncture._ Waxed, plucked, shaved, denuded, Bella's _plote_ was pure heaven.

Hooded and yearning, my eyes met hers, "_Tu goute aussi doux que de mile."_

Testing her, I slipped my tongue flat and straight from her opening to her clit, and _FUCK!_, she really did taste as good as honey.

Bella fisted my hair nearly hurtfully and shoved me into her pelvis, "Just shut up and give me a DWPKOTL!"

"Huh?"

"DISTO?"

"DSTR8!"

I played Bella like a baby grand. The dunes of her flesh wet to the lap of my tongue. _Deep wet passionate kiss on the lips_ was what she wanted and that's what I gave her, French kissing her cunt until her thighs were jumping against the stronghold of my forearms.

_Damn Straight, She'd Said That Outloud!_

I assuaged my exasperation at her declarations by sinking my preternatural _langue_ in and out of her at a furious speed.

The nerve, the audacity.

The FEATHERS!

Too pent up to attempt anymore Kama Sutra gymnastics, I settled for the missionary position.

Her hips in my hands and the pillow in my bared teeth, I came within five charges, ripping the down to shreds and shuttling eight or nine streams of cool jism into Bella while she pluffed plumage from her face in her cataclysmic orgasm. The scream I'd waited for in a language I could get behind wholeheartedly curled from her throat, _"Tu est un bon coup!"_

YES!!! "_You're a great fuck too Bella-love, darling wife, Mrs. Cullen!"_

She slept amongst the feathery plumes, while I happily inspected her nubile naked body for all the suck marks and fingerprints our love making had caused. The sharp pointed quills reminding me of my pen and ink well, my _secretaire_ and heavy stock stationery back home, making a mockery of cellphones and texting. Before I knew it, the sun had risen, and it was time to rouse my wife with the promise of breakfast.

A flare detonated within my groin as she joined me in the kitchen, indiscreetly adjusting her brassiere and tucking her nipples in to the webbed pale gray lace. The hue of early spring poppies, her nipples propped up, stretching the mesh that sequestered her tits.

_Bye bye sports bras, and about goddamn time too!_

"_Huevos_, Bella?"

She licked her lips and devoured the stiffness growing inside my khaki shorts, "Mmmm, yes, I do love _huevos_, husband dear."

My God! If I didn't know better, I would've inferred Bella was commenting on my testicles with that vulgar Spanish word!

Cheekily, I replied, "Flan?" All the while remembering the fluid flavor of her flange.

Bella nibbled my lips in a most saucy manner, "Are you being coy with me, _Sir_?"

I gasped and came far too close to dropping the eggs I'd been juggling to the tiled floor!

_Sir, Master…yes! _My happy jig was back full force.

After breakfast, reclined into the heated dusty sprinkles of the bright white sand, I watched with drooping lusting eyes as my wife came to me. Settling beside me, she massaged SPF 50+ sunscreen into her ivory skin, making my fingers itch to replace her own. Fully coquettish, Bella blushed and asked me if I was enjoying the scenery.

"Indeed, my love. I was just appreciating the way your bikini accentuates your charming assets. You did a fine job picking out-"

She _squirted_ another handful of cream onto her palm, and my cock twitched excitedly. "Baby, just tell it like it is."

"Alright then. Mrs. Edward Anthony Masen Cullen, you're smoking hot!"

A few minutes later, Bella was pacing a small path into the dune next to our blanket, "I'm so hot, Edward!"

_Perhaps the heat was frying her brain._ I recapped, "Yes, Bella, you're most definitely on fire." In that string bikini that rested so tastefully on the slim fragile skin of her hips, a cute bow nestled between her breasts… I'd checked the label earlier… _Lucky Brand._ _Yeah, she was absolutely going to get lucky later, especially as the teeny bikini clearly wasn't a purchase from Target!_

She halted and stomped her foot dangerously close to my head, "Dammit, Edward, it's not for nothing you brought me to this tropical island, was it?"

"Well, I just thought… free vacation?"

"Do I need to text it to you?"

Sweat was glistening in Bella's cleavage, little drops were slipping down her taut belly to her beveled navel. She puffed a tangle of hair off her forehead. _Oh. OH!_ I was a Bella's personal air conditioning unit, and she wanted to cuddle!

"Come here, love. Let me cool you down," Bella sat pleasantly in my lap, thereby heating me up.

I mopped up her perspiration with my hands and my tongue, pulled the triangular scraps of fabric down both tits. Tugging sharply at her nipples, I asked, "More comfortable?"

"_Ungghhh-gaaahhhhh."_

Below Bella's bellow, I heard feet shifting on the beach. _Shit._ The maid was coming to us with a fan, the cord leaving a snakish shape in the sand. Quickly covering Bella's bosom with my body, I imperially dismissed María Concepción with a flick of my wrist and a firm, "_Puede retirarse._"

_Receptive_ to my _core curriculum_ for our honeymoon – I would endeavor to get my dick in her derriere as many times as possible, so had furtively given this trip a sobriquet: _The Heineymoon --_ my Bella-love even had a few suggestions of her own. The hammock seemed unnecessarily precarious; who knew she was such a thrill seeker? Hell, if she was game, so was I!

Lying on the rocking netting strung between two tall palms, I raised my wife's posterior up over my cock. Sliding her onto me, I jumped at the scorching contact, almost plummeting us to the ground! Undaunted, Bella pressed on my shoulders and rode me with abandon, jostling the swing from side to side while the timbers groaned, and the webbing began to slice open beneath my back!

_Fuck!_ This wasn't going to work, I should have known better than to go outside my set syllabus.

Redoubling my effort, I took Bella to the beach. She gained control of situation, and I allowed her to lead. Splaying my thighs, she settled between them, lapping up my muscles and silently asking me to raise my ass off the ground. I did as requested, hearing a little, "_Oh, yes. I can't wait to rim you again."_

I elevated to my elbows and quirked an eyebrow.

"What, darling husband? I just mentioned that we never did get around to listening to Rimsky Korsakov."

Then her incinerating tongue was at my ass, and I fell back with a duststorm clouding around us!

When my cock was humongously swelled, and the entire southern region of my body thoroughly wet with her saliva, Bella sat back, a self-satisfied smile playing over her puffy mouth.

Suddenly, particles of sharp sand were sticking to my bum. Fuck! I was already buffed to a high sheen, and this was _not_ the type of friction I needed.

Figuring, through a series of rapid formulas, I was lubricated enough by her ministrations to have a go at her rear, I turned the tables and lifted her to her hands and knees. Salving the scratches and welts raised on her sensitive skin with my numbing toxin straight from my mouth, I licked and sucked Bella's silky pussy and her nether button-hole… I was _not_ to be stopped by Mother Nature or any of her dastardly doings.

Bella's head fell forward to the hilled soil where she hushed, "You're so FINE, Edward."

Pushing, tenderly and slowly as possible, into her _cul,_ I deciphered the latest acronym. Fucked up, Insecure, Neurotic, Emotional? I breached the final distance of her hot clamp and shook with restraint; _that had to be a mistake!_

"Feels so good! So Hot, so wet and tight!" I watched my shaft wind in and out of her dumpling ass and had no control as I slapped one round flushed cheek.

With what I thought was a tender tap.

"Geez, FUCK! _Encule._ That hurt!"

My dick was stationery, my hand soothed the rising mark on her pretty globe, my mind worked over time…_she did not just call me arsehole, did she?_

"Sorry, love. I was a tad over eager. And I heard that some women like a bit of slap and tickle."

Over her shoulder where diamonds of sand twinkled under beating sunrays, Bella disciplined, "And here I thought you were such a WOG. Maybe we should get Jasper to give you a little love tap sometime, eh? See how much you like that."

_Wise Old Guy?_ Wait, _Jasper?_ Where had that come from? _My God!_ Had Bella been contemplating a three-way? With my own brother? _Srsly?_

Her ass clenched, and my cock was screaming to carry on. Her labias, both Majora and Minora, were wet against my gonads.

Pulling off me and then pushing back onto me with a supremely erotic circle of her hips, Bella informed me, "Sensual slap, _Master._ Erogenous, not punitive."

_Yes, I could do this, especially when she called me Master._

I rallied and sallied forth into her dear derriere and softened my blow to a mere smarting, arousing tap, all the while demanding hoarsely, "BOHICA, baby."

"Oh yes, holy crow, fuck yes, Oh My God, _Bend over here it comes again?_ Unh, Edward, I love it when you sext me!"

I slapped her lightly again and then caressed the stamp of my palm on her flesh… _really?_ Apparently so. When I reached around to circle her clitoris, Bella's folds were literally pooling with dripping natural arousal. _Arrivederci_lubricant.

"Cum with me, Bella!"

"HWGA, A! _Aaahhhhh, Edward-husband!" _Bella screamed all the right words, and I moaned through an intense, jerking, broiling orgasm that waved up through me like the frothy ocean at our feet.

_~~ll~~_

The following week and five days, twelve hours and forty-seven minutes, were an oasis of sexual escapades, here there and everywhere; fellatio, cunnilingus, and an abundance of Graphenberger action.

_Not to mention _eggs. I was still reeling that Bella-love-wife could ingest the milky viscous runny unctuous globs with delight and ease while she yet balked at my own surely honeyed essence!

_As well as_ the obliteration of several more feather pillows, one mattress and a fair few headboards until María Concepción singlemindedly and singlehandedly -- _at the very least she had a strong work ethic_ – removed all but the necessary furniture from the cottage with a fulminating, _"Bendito Dios! ... como destrozó la cabecera de la cama, hay plumas por doquier, engendro del demonio acabó la casa!"_

I took offense to her rampage against the disaster I reaped while making love to Bella, not to mention her calling me a demonic monster. I was a well-bred young vampire enjoying a much deserved hieneymoon with his wife!

She left the premises with a, "Para que más soy buena?" Followed by muttering, "Sanguijuela chupasangre".

_Blood sucking leech?_ That was nearly the last straw.

Bella in an endless array of expensively revealing lingerie soothed the insult. But our evenings of frivolity and fucking were always replaced by recurring nightmares, "Stop, Edward! DON'T!..._GO._"

Thank goodness she finally remembered to end her demand properly, though her syntax seemed a bit off.

In two days we were due back mainland.

Bella was getting ballsy and brazen. She sat in the middle of the bed wearing a short midnight lace confection that hardly withheld her sweet tits from overflowing the filigreed cups, watching me disrobe.

Regally, she commanded, "Bring that flappy thing over here."

I stalled with my shorts hobbling my ankles, my hands on my hips, my _flappy thing_ rigid and pointing straight at her. Silently, I stroked my cock, making sure to pull the foreskin tight up over the head before running the slack skin all the way back down to the base.

She merely raised an eyebrow in challenge.

Bella made my venom boil when she dared me like this. I darted my tongue to my bottom lip, she struck back by scissoring her teeth into her own lower plump lip and tossing her chestnut tresses back.

"You know my cock is not just a _flappy thing_, love."

"Oh, I know. It's a Cavalier, a hoodie, a turtleneck, a _cochon en croute_, a lovely long thick _passementiere._ Your cock is tassled and bedecked and big and beautiful and decorated with… _foreskin._ Not one bit _sans prepuce._"

_Goddamn!_ She dazzled me.

"Otherwise known as Rumpelstiltskin and a pig in a blanket!" Bella giggled and flushed a gorgeous shade of sunset pink.

I frowned and stole nearer the bed. Leaning over her until her giggles died out, I tutored her one more time, "That's a slander to all Romantic Languages, lovely wife. I think you mean, _un pli de peau couvrant le bout du pénis._"

Her wee fingers ticked my nipples up into precise engorgement, a mirroring swelling filled my shaft with another ripple of poison. I groaned and cupped her face. She kissed me long and deep, passionately, wetly, before pulling back, "What was that about the Roundheads versus the Cavaliers, darling?"

Standing straight, I released her and turned on my heel. Trapped with my shorts still at my ankles, I nearly stumbled. I yanked off the offending outerwear and pinched my nose with a pace-pace-pace combined with hair grabbing and moaning-groaning.

Bella folded her arms behind her head, rumpling her sexy hair, raising the minute skirt of her negligee. "Are you sorely vexed, Edward?"

Hell, now she was talking my language! "No, love, I'd say what I'm feeling is more akin to provoked."

"Holy Crow. Lighten up, Edward."

Another flinty glower-cum-stare found my wife sort of apologizing, "Oh, right. I suppose it's hard to _lighten up_ when you're an immoveable mass of stone. _Wait!_ So why is it you can actually float on water?"

My glare narrowed, "Just think of me as Moses, love." I smiled at the thought.

"_And here I always imagined you to have a God Complex."_

I frowned, "What was that?"

"God! You're so fucking complex."

Now I knew she was taunting me.

Her smart mouth was arousing and never more so than when those plump pretty impudent lips were wrapped around my swelling reddening head.

She crooked her exquisite finger and beckoned me to her side. She motioned me to sit on the edge of the bed and sank to her knees on the floor. Blowing up and down my sorely tested dick, I shook as another dribble of cum blipped up out of the little mouth centered in the head.

All of my venom was concentrated in thick pulsing ribbons of veins that lashed up and down my cock. Bella sucked and licked every single one. Ignoring my engorged almost exploding bright carmine head!

"Bella, please stop toying with my _caballeros!_"

"You know, your speech is a bit outmoded, baby. And you're such an SME."

I tapped my cock against her lips; I'd show her a _Subject Matter Expert_, and she opened with these words lilting like flames over the tough ridge and crushed velvet skin of the most vulnerable area just below the rim, "Of course, _Sir_, you were born at the turn of the previous century."

She pursed those fucking splendid lips right over me, sucking down not even to the pucker and pleat that had me almost crying in need for her taste! Her tongue swiped a kiss from my leaking top, and she pulled away to lollipop me from top to bottom, still avoiding swallowing my head and touching the creased, crumpled chenille flesh that trembled with desire!

I smoothed the back of her head gently and bit the air with a clash of my teeth.

Bella lipped my burgeoning bursting head temptingly again, "Baby, you want me to quit teasing your _junk_?"

"Please, yes, _please. _Just give it a KWSTA!_"_

Bella took as much as she could, in that position, into her mouth, binding both hands in a pumping action around the space of my cock she couldn't cover with her _kiss with serious tongue action._ Saliva dripped all over me as she _bobbed_ up and down thrice before coming up for air, "AYC, _husband_." Her lips were swollen over the words: _Aren't You Clever._

Oh shit! Who'd have thought dirty text lingo could be so hot?

I growled and she… _RAWR'ed_ right back at me.

The woman was far too _affriolante_ for her own good.

Hastily trawling Bella up my body so every single sweltering bit of her squashed against me from tits to tummy, pussy to thighs, I laid us side by side and dropped low, skating the surface of her _bouche_ with my erection. I held her head in my hands so she couldn't look away. I skimmed against her two more times and then glided up through her pussy with a languorous revolution of my cock and pelvis.

One leg over my hip, her breasts suctioning to my chest, our abdomens meeting and parting, I reeled away and spun back in, in the slowest most maddening motion known to man or vampire.

Our harsh breathing bracketed the muggy air with incomprehensible words. I was too fucking far gone to even chastise Bella for her inarticulateness.

I neither increased my thrusts nor slowed but kept a steady rhythm in and out. It was bodily heaven!

Bella came twice, solemnly swearing underbreath to neither "MEGO," or, "RMETTH."

I'd never feel the physical exertion, but my GOD!, my dick was so fucking huge it felt like a rocket about to take off.

Winding my arms around her back, Bella and I were close as could be as a rumble ripped from my chest with a true roar and my venom shot forth in steady endless streams instead of countable spurts! I'd gone for the hat-trick; no eyes rolling, screaming my name, and looking at me while we came simultaneously.

And true to her word, she hadn't allowed her Eyes to Glaze Over nor had she Rolled her Eyes to the Heavens.

Her walls continued to milk and grip me for several long minutes.

_~~ll~~_

This was our final day.

Bella had exited the shower midmorning finding me rummaging through her suitcase. "What are you doing, dear?"

I shuffled my feet and quickly folded all the clothes I'd inspected, "Er, just, um… _shit._ Bella, you're not still shopping for clothes at Target, are you?"

Sauntering with a dip-sway of her hips, Bella dropped her towel and raised a brow, "Maybe so, maybe not. I hate to break it to you, Edward, but some of the higher end designers actually have clothing collections at Target. Plus, prudent wealth management demands I watch my pennies for my golden years."

_Oh the horror!_

After much thought and deliberation, in the end there were three things I'd decided I could live with. Target was one. Text speak another. Lube was a necessary addition in a pinch. But Bella growing old? _No_.

We were in the kitchen when the maid intruded once again.

Ignoring me completely, much to my consternation, María Concepción addressed Bella wholly and familiarly, "_Pero si él es un vampiro! Qué no tiene cabeza niña? Qué tal si queda preñada? No le enseñaron que al diablo lo que es del diablo y a Dios lo que es de Dios? Chupasangres y personas son como el agua y el aceite, no se mezclan niña!. Dios la ampare y favorezca!_"

I effortlessly translated her epic diatribe: _But he is a vampire. Are you wrong in your head, child? What if you get pregnant? Didn't they teach you to give to the devil what is the devil's and to God what is God's? __Bloodsuckers__ and people are like water and oil, they do not mix girl. God help you!_

I interjected, with French, _"J'essaie de bosser putain."_

Bella spat her Eggs Benedict everywhere at my outburst. _What?_ I _was_ trying to fucking work here.

Wiping her mouth and the table, Bella turned to María Concepción and explained in perfect Spanish as if speaking to someone of her own station, "_Ignóralo María, a veces actua como un imbécil mojigato. Gracias por preocuparte por mí, se bien que es un vampiro, y que tira puro aire, al menos eso espero!_"

_Huh?_ First of all, _sanctimonious jerk sometimes?_ At least she continued with a clarification that she was well aware of my immortal nature, and a hope that I was shooting blanks. I'd had my ejaculate tested for more than just protein value so I could attest to that.

Bella blushed as the maid left the house for the final time. "Spanish, Bella?" She'd surpassed all my expectations!

Unblinkingly, she stared at me. _Of course. _I didn't know everything about her as her mind was an insurmountable forcefield. As she continued to meet my gaze, I envisioned Bella as my eternal mate; she had the stony glower down to a 't' and nary a muscle twitched while she lifted another forkful of wobbly yolk and Canadian bacon covered in Hollandaise sauce to her mouth… _now that was HOT._

"Bella-love, I'm sorry to interrupt your breakfast again, but about the eggs. How can you savor them so much and still be less than thrilled about my own cum?"

"Edward, darling, eggs are smooth and creamy. Your non-sperm is a bit more lumpy, honey. It's nothing against you."

I remained mildly disturbed by her Eggs Benedict-cum-cum comparison.

"I know you detest the term pigs-in-a-blanket, so what if I just called it _bubble and squeak?_"

A vein bulged in my forehead, and I was silenced.

"Are you having an SM, Edward?"

_A Senior Moment?_ Oh hell no!

I took Bella's cleared plate to the sink, poured her another Mimosa. She'd acquired quite the taste for expensive champagne after our lavish, speedy reception and I couldn't complain as it loosened Bella up nicely.

Yesterday morning it'd been a Buck's Fizz; an odious concoction of OJ and champagne. With my jizz as a chaser. Well, it was remotely better than the Orange Julius reference of old, so I let it slide.

Just like my sap down her throat as I stood before her now, my jeans open, my dick up and down and in and out of her mouth, at just the exact angle so she could deep throat me accurately.

Hitting the back of her throat, she relaxed and let me trespass further. I groaned and growled and howled and bit my lips, clenched my jaw, opened my mouth to punctuated hisses.

This time I lost count of my spurts.

She welcomed it all!

Grabbing Bella's arms, I brought her up to me. "How was that, Edward?"

I kissed her frantically. Tasting myself in her mouth, and it really was a pleasant flavor, I admired, "Perfect, Bella. _Je t'aime._"

Even sampling my release on her lips, I continued to gnaw over my anxiety that Bella needed to be immortal like me; _preferably before she aged much more._

Embracing her, I nipped the most thrumming artery within her neck, my mouth opened and my teeth wet.

"Bella, have you ever thought about becoming a vampire?" No sleeping, endless fucking, no bruises and no need to hold back… _no eating_! No nightmares… no menstruation-provoked tantrums. Win, win, win.

"_Jesus H., Edward! Took you long enough to come up with the easy answer of Make Bella a Vampire._

"Come again?"

"Holy crow, Edward. I've had it up to my eyeballs with campfires!" but I knew I'd heard right this time because Bella was smiling.

Mainland here we come. I hoped to be mainlining Bella's sanguine sumptuousness soon.

Twining her luscious arms around my neck and bringing me to her face, she spoke with not an ounce of demureness, "BMOF."

_Bite Me Old Fart?_

_Oh, she didn't have to ask twice…_

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~Equally RAWR and RRR? Apparently that's the new LOL. Please review!~

We're all still chillaxin' at the Dead Confed thread on Twilighted (it's getting a bit crowded with Eddie, Peddie, SassyB., and Rebella, but there's never a dull moment). Come say hi.

Fun stuff: I have a new AU story, _Youth without Age and Life without Death._ _DC's_ is still fucking hilarious. There's a Cougar Competition going on, **The Cougar Revolution.** Entries wanted, deadline March 15th. www(DOT)fanfiction(DOT)net/u/2230877/


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